Sort of working

The MTX jab is sort of working after 12 days.

I just went in for blood test today and HCG dropped from 2400 to 760. I guess that’s a YAY?!  But I am not out of the woods yet, ectopic is not ruled out and I still need to be on constant monitoring. I will return next week for another round of blood work to see if betas drop further. Tired. But happy that this is sort of going in the right direction of the levels declining.

I still have 1 embryo left but I am grounded for 3 months due to the jab. I suddenly feel very pumped up to complete the process. My doc did discuss with me the possibility of harvesting another fresh cycle before I age another year in case the frozen doesnt work. Better than I waste the time for the frozen cycle and then if I were to think of a new cycle my eggs would have aged another year. That seems like a good idea. But I thought this was going to be my last cycle?

My Doc also asked me to live my life for 3 months in awesomeness. Forget about TTC, forget about restrictions on food and stuff, just live a life and when I come back I gotta believe in this, he has to believe in this as well that my IVF is going to work. You have no idea how much I wanted to cry when he gave that motivational speech.

The truth is, Im rather pumped up in spirits. Hey I am alive! from this tedious episode… So that’s kind of a bonus and in all honesty, the quality of my embryos this cycle truly improved compared to my past 3 cycles. I see some results at least. SO yeah, I am rather pumped up and thinking along his plan.

Maybe I might change my mind, who knows.

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It’s not a happy ending.

I am in beta hell….. So, let me reenact what has happened since my extraction.

So I’ve extracted my eggs on 8 March and did a fresh transfer with 2 embryos on the 10 March. I was scheduled for a blood test on 24 March. On 23 March, I POAS because I didnt want to be disappointed over the phone the next day and I thought I would never see that line appearing. But it did. I peed at night and it was 2 strong positive lines. I couldnt believe it, but I wasn’t that happy as I remember fairy tale endings doesnt really happen to me. I know I need to wait for the levels of my beta knowing I have had natural pregnancy on Ectopic before and chemical pregnancy in my 1st cycle.

24 March – I went for beta in the morning. Nurse called back without a word of congrats but told me she cannot tell me for sure that I am pregnant or not as my beta levels were only 92. I know this is not going anywhere good.I have to repeat the beta 2 days later. By evening, I started cramping mildly but I still continued with my progesterone and I had some spotting. The spotting got worse and I rushed to 24hr clinic to get a shot of progesterone. By the next day, I was at the clinic for 2nd beta.

26 March – Nurse called back and said, your beta isnt looking good, its 140 now. Not doubling and it is a concern. I have to do another beta 3 days later and see the doctor regardless of the results. By the night, my spotting turned pink and the next day, it turned bright red.I am having a full flow period and I saw clots passing out. I knew this was it. This is an early miscarriage. Then I saw white tissues being passed out that looked like a bean… I had the gut feeling that it was my embryo.

29 March – I went in for early beta and told to wait for 1hr for beta to be out and proceed to consult with my Doc. He called me in and told me my beta is at 260 after 3 days which is really worrying. He analyzed the possible scenarios for me.

  • Very early pregnancy ( I was only 4 weeks+ )
  • Early MC
  • Ectopic
  • Chemical Pregnancy

The bleeding can indicate anything but I am very concerned with having an ectopic as I’ve had an ectopic episode before. My left tube was rupturing and I had all sorts of internal bleeding and I almost died. I made him did a scan to check for free fluids but nothing was seen. Apparently too early. We agreed to see each other 2 days later.

31 March – There I was 5 weeks. beta is at 400+ This cannot be good but I am wondering, didnt I passed out all that tissue and blood? where’s the bloody pregnancy now? Could it be both embryos implanted and I lost 1 and the other an Ectopic? NOOOOoooooooooooooo. This is the worst nightmare of my life!

2 April – Beta is at 580. This is the last straw. Doc told me at 5weeks + 580 is not acceptable and I should be in 1000+ at least where a sac could be seen. We did a scan, nothing showed up at all. I have an empty uterus. The plan was to take the MTX – methotrexate  jab to kill off the pregnancy as we want to avoid going for surgery and an ectopic which is still not ruled out. I am to come back on the 5th day after the jab to do a beta to see if levels dropped.

The MTX jab is a nasty jab, it has low chemotherapy contents and it works by killing off rapid dividing cells hence killing off the possible pregnancies. I have to get a full blood count to check if my blood work is in good condition and liver conditions before accepting the jab. After the jab, I felt some dizziness but in general it is manageable. Some hair loss seen but as long as my hcg drops, I will feel safe ruling out the ectopic. Downside of it is that I cannot TTC for the next 3 months due to the chemo contents.

7 April – beta came back at 2500+ !!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF????? I am in total awe. Though I read that hcg levels may rise after 4 days of the jab which is perfectly normal but I didnt expect it to rise it to 2500 from 580???????? My Doc is truly concerned now. He sent me for a detailed ultrasound imaging scan and made me come back after scan to see him. I went for the scan, the radiologist was also working very hard moving  the wand around inside to try to locate any mass possible. I went back an hour later and Doc told me that there was nothing that they can find. THIS IS JUST GREAT. WHERE THE HELL IS MY GHOST BABY THEN? I am utterly tired and wanted this to all end. We agreed to come back on the 7th day of the jab to check the beta levels and decide if we will need a 2nd jab of MTX.

After I went home, I was really contemplating of going for a surgery and at the same time remove my remaining tube. Taking another shot of MTX will make me miserable and it depletes your Red blood cells totally. I wouldnt want to go through that….. I also did some researching that defective tubes (I probably had a defective tube on my right already) decreases the success of IVF cycles as it releases some hormones that prevents implantation. Could it be why my IVF cycles kept failing ?? I’ve made up my mind. I cannot be in this merry go round too long. I want to end this. I will suggest a surgery to end this.

9 April – I was really expecting rise in beta and convincing my Doc for a surgery. However, my beta did drop to 2400. It is just a mere drop of 100 which is not ideal. We should see something more than 15% in drop but my doc is more than happy that it dropped and ask me to come back later next week which is going to on the 15 April. I wouldnt be hoping for miracles on the beta dropping drastically.

So there I am, still in beta hell. Till date, I still have an empty uterus and ultrasounds doesnt reveal anything, not a dangling tube indicating ectopic or any mass anywhere in the womb. I am officially a PUL – Pregnancy Unknown Location. Not outta of it and no pregnancy as well and ectopic still not ruled out. Somewhere, somehow, something in my body is generating the HCG. If anyone has any similiar experiences, please share it with me.So far I have been monitoring myself closely for an ectopic episode and it has been quite safe.

This is the story of my life so far. A screwed up one in my 4th cycle. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks running to and fro the hospital for all the wrong reasons. Nurses see me coming in for beta and thought I am testing for positive progression but I am not.How sad can it be?

I really yielded better results this cycle and I had 2 beautiful grade 4 embies (grade 5 is the best) but I dont know why. Could it be really my defective tube that is blocking the implantation from happening? I dont know.

And by the way, one of the cousin is pregnant… rubbing salt on the wound. How can this whole getting my baby journey be this bad? How can it be?

IVF#4

Well, I wish I could come back to my blog and tell everyone the magical fairytale ending of me being pregnant after disappearing for 1 year. But no, it didnt happen.

I seriously thought that I will not blog again, pregnant or not pregnant. I was sick of social media, sick of seeing my peers graduate from long struggles while I am still stuck in the rut. It is as if at times, I feel the hypocrisy of the social media circle and the toxic level was just getting too high (except for a few people that I knew in social media) The toil is just too much so I decided to put a stop to it. But here I am, back again to my tiny outlet.

I took a break off cycles, I didnt transfer my blast in the end and its still in storage. We did however, tried naturally in between but failed miserably. With a mysterious anger in me sobbing uncontrollably in the toilet everytime AF visits me. BUT life still goes on in summary. I continued shopping, working and eating. I got promoted and continued to travel around with family. Life is not all bad. Would I wish that I have a kid instead of the material mentions? YES.

You see, material items are just surfaces. They will die off and you will feel empty again. While we constantly tried to search for the purpose in life, I failed miserably except the answer is always the same constant – ” perhaps a child afterall” But I must say, I am starting to manage the life without kids better than ever. It is a fact and reality that I have to consider ultimately in my face that, that could be my final destiny. Will I embrace it? YES eventually. Do I hate it? ABSOLUTELY.

And so, I decided to do my last (really last I swear) IVF cycle at a Public hospital. Finally I have decided to abandoned the so called prestigious private hospitals that failed me once, twice, thrice and countless including my frozen cycles. I am apprehensive to go for public treatment but I have nothing to lose anymore. And the fact that I get to use my subsidy at the hospital, gives me some form of consolation 🙂

But people, the wait at such hospitals can be such a bitch. Long waits, non-personalized sessions. Mass counseling session *gags* Scans can take as long as 2hrs to reach my turn. I have started my jabs. The doctor that I am seeing, sort of took pity in me that I have failed that many times and he gave me a complete different protocol from my previous 3 boring ones. We start with ovulation suppression jabs first then Menopur + Saizen then I go back to scan on Friday to count eggies and I sort of saw on the paper that my last few jabs seems to involve Pergoveris. I have not used ANY of these medications at all. He doesnt know if it will work and I do not know if it will work but we both told to each other, we will try. The doc doesnt know if it would work, but he told me let’s try. For the 1st time, I dont feel that abandoned.

I mean, nobody will know what will happen. Me neither. I can only hope. Hope that for all the things that I have gone through, will make me deserve this.

You know her?

You know the other Manager with that ugly hair color? I see that she is losing hair and that her dressing is downright ugly. I wonder if she knows it herself at all.I wonder why I have all these feelings for her. Maybe because she is the same age as I am but already have 2 children?

You know my Best mate’s wife? I feel that her life sucks because she left her job and decided to stay home. Fully dependent on my best mate. Her life is so boring and she doesnt even have many friends left! Pathetic. I wonder why I have these feelings for her. Maybe because she just had her 2nd newborn after her 1.5yr old son?

You know my girlfriend’s girlfriend who got married to a jerk and insists on staying with the jerk who abuses her is a loser? Despite trying to leave twice, she never succeeded. And all she can say is she is doing it for the sake of her child.

I am just an infertile mean bitch.

Sisterhood of the world Bloggers award

I have been nominated!

sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award11

By Kim from Salt in the Womb yay! Thanks for the nomination, because I would have never imagined anyone nominating me at all. Initially I started the blog to pen out my feelings and frustrations. But I discovered viewers coming to my blog. I am not asking for high viewership, I only hope that my experience can relate to someone out there so that they wont feel alone at all in this arduous journey. I tried to be colorful, but only find myself being grey, because my life is truly grey at the moment, so apologies for the lack of humor! Back to the award, here goes:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
  • Put the award logo on your blog.
  • Answer the ten questions the nominator has set you. – See below for the questions from Kim
  • Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer. Nominate ten people.
Here are the 10 questions that Kim asked!
1. Who is your blog idol?
I am reading Greg’s blog and I really love his honest writing on what he feels about the community without the need to hide. Go check it out here
2. What song do you sing loudest in the shower?
 I dont sing in shower?
3. What’s your favorite curse word to yell at your ovaries?
I dont really have an issue with my ovaries but I would like to scream at my uterus though. No word but a string of consultation is necessary. ” Get your damn act together and let my embryos implant on it!”
4. You get to meet one of your favorite fictional characters. Who is it?
Definitely Thor from Avengers. LOL 
 
5. What do you think about when you need to smile?
My 2 cats! Both males, adopted.
6. If you could switch careers and be awesome at something other than what you currently do, what would it be?
I would really want to be an Embryologist. I should have studied Science instead, damn. I realized through my course of infertility that this is a very cool job which can help thousands of people and especially being someone going through Infertility myself, I know I will 150% more than others!!
7. What’s your go-to “I didn’t have time to do my hair” style?
Tie it up.
8. Taylor Swift or Katy Perry? YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. If you want to.
Katy Perry for sure.
 
9. Would you rather legally change your last name to Hitler or never eat chocolate again?
This is a very strange question! Since I cant stop the addiction for chocolates, I will change my last name to Hitler and make some excuse for it.
 
10. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love Benedict Cumberbatch? (If it’s below 5, I don’t know if we can be friends.)
6, I like that show – Sherlock. 
Now, for my 10 questions to the next 10 people!
1. What is your favourite cuisine?
2. What is your favourite book and why?
3. If you can choose to have a super power, what would it be?
4. If you get to go on a free trip tomorrow with no budget limits, where would you like to travel to?
5. Which is more hurting – being lied to or being gossiped at the back by others?
6. If you can change 1 thing today from the past, what would it be?
7. What have you learned through blogging?
8. Which is your favourite cartoon character?
9. Is Harry Potter yes or no for you ?
10. How many countries have you traveled to?
And I am going to nominate the following:
 Our Egg, her nest – Think she is already nominated
I only have 7! Let’s go everyone!

Updates : I want to nominate her! Forgot about it till I saw my reader list again!
Mercurial

Busted, again

IVF3 is about to start next cycle. I went to RE for a health check to ensure my insides are ok to go.

Anxiously looking at the ultrasound screen, RE said I am about to ovulate, current measurement at 16mm. So, about 2 more days to go before the big O. Lining looks really good at 11mm, triple lining!!!!!!!!!!! All natural! How can this be happening right? After so many screwed up cycles, I finally see a window to try. But of course going to O doesnt mean it will ovulate. But RE assured me by saying if I do not O 2 days later after testing on my expensive OV kit, go back to him and he will give me a shot to push out Ovulation. WHEE!!~~~~~~

So I tested and tested and worried that my dysfunction body required the jab. However, on the 2nd day, my clear blue kit showed me a smiley face. All good to go !!! and I left for Korea that night for a business trip. I forgot all about the implantation, POAS till I came back 4 days later. It is still a week to go till POAS, I endured like a drug addict and finally caved in to POAS on CD28.

I remember that morning when I woke up. I woke up to a thermometer in my mouth. Temp is still high. ” I may have some hope!” I thought to myself. I jumped out of bed, dashed to the toilet and reached for a First Response kit in the drawer and peed myself away. I waited, and waited, and it was still white. Stark white kit staring at me. The second line never appeared…

I thought I had a chance, I thought I did. That I could luckily get pregnant and save the money for raising a baby instead of spending it on IVF3. But no, it didnt happen, it could never happen, it shall not happen. So back to my original plan on IVF3.

This whole TTC thing sucks.

I turned 35.

I am just so very disappointed by myself.

Disappointed that I am still unable to get pregnant naturally till date. Yes, I have tried IVF with 4 transfers done which brought me to nothing but I still have a right tube which I am unsure if it is fully functioning. I reckoned I can still try as it is a much cheaper way than IVF isnt it? But too bad it is, that my body is constantly failing me, my hubs soldiers are also failing him, we are all failing ourselves somehow.

Sure, I did got myself pregnant in 2012 naturally. ONE FREAKING TIME after 1.5yrs of trying and that was it. It was an ectopic. I cant figure out how I did it the last time and why I couldnt now. I just cant fathom this at all. But will asking why help? I will never get the answer isnt it? And dont get me started on that stupid HOPE thing. I know how hope works, it never lands on me and whatever people say about hope keep you going bla bla bla, it is not going to get into my head.

The struggles I have daily I am not sure if these people who keeps telling me to have hopes understand 10% of it at all. As to why I am so disappointed with myself, has a story to it.

Bah. I am not a moper. I dont like to be stuck in a spot for too long (ironic statement as i am stuck in my own IF situation for years) I like to move and move to find new solutions. Which is why I have decided to start a new IVF cycle, which is going to be my last as well. Prior to this cycle, I went back to RE and took a scan to ensure everything inside of me is doing fine as I wasnt ovulating after IVF 2. I am at CD13. I feel some movement on my right ovary (the twitter girls are right! you can feel the ovulating side!!) which showed up in the scan that I have a dominating follicle at 16mm. I also have a triple lining at 11.2mm. What are the odds right? RE gave me a plan. To test with Clear Blue’s smiley face and if I dont get a smiley by CD15 morning, give him a ring and he will jab me to push for ovulation. by CD15, I really got a smiley face which we BD of course after 12 hours.

However I can smell AF on it’s way. Earlier on I blasted on hubs because he bought me the wrong tic tac. I instantly knew it. I always snap before AF. Hence, I can look forward to my expensive IVF3 now. And as I have mentioned, dont give me the HOPE lesson. Hope doesnt work in this way. The only thing that I am so sure of in this game that I am playing with IF is my own freaking body. I know how it functions definitely, for sure.