I am just thinking about…

Things working well this cycle.

I have decided to go with the 2nd opinion Doc that I have seen few weeks back. I started out great. I took my time to decide by weighing out the pros and cons between my current doc and the new one.  I took time to do some research on my own case and condition then decided who gave me the best approach moving forward. (I mentioned in my previous post on the reason why I wanted a 2nd opinion)  He even prescribed Q10 for me and hubs and told us that it would improve our spermies and eggies. Worth a try then.

Having said and made all the decisions I did, I am starting to feel like a chicken. I mean, a real feeble legged chicken because I am just thinking if I made the right choice on this. What if things don’t go well? What if I fail? I am just saying, what if I was supposed to succeed with my current doc but then I left him? I know I may never know but the doubt will always be there. Arghh! I don’t know what to imagine anymore!

But but but, if I regain my sanity and weigh all the options out, I know it is ok for me to go for a 2nd Doc. It is ok for me to fail the cycle (NOT) again because if I never tried to be daring and take a second approach, I might never know what can work and not.

Ignore me. I am just a contradicting psycho.

Please dont say these to me, hopefully NEVER

I don’t take 100% offence to these sentences but I wish I can hear less of these:

I’m going to use Mary as the name in my examples.

1. Do you know Mary is pregnant ?
   No I don’t. And even if I do, I don’t need anyone to tell it to me twice or thrice. Also, why would I wanna know?! It is not me being pregnant, why would I want to know right?! So don’t tell me who is pregnant because, I don’t want to know.
2. Don’t worry, infertility is getting common these days! Mary has it too!
   So? Seriously? Suck my toes. So what if it is common? Does it mean I should be part of the statistics? And, I don’t want to be common! And no, stop thinking that Mary should be part of the journey too.
3. Mary stopped trying naturally/gave up IVF and then got pregnant naturally.
   I’m sorry, I am not getting your kind intentions here: are you trying to tell me to give up on trying and try to waste time watching to see if I will get lucky and get pregnant?! Sorry I’m just not a lucky draw person. I never win. Good for those who got pregnant after failed IVF or multiple tries at natural but the keyword here is, I have not given up YET. So don’t tell me who has stopped what.
4. Why don’t you try another round of IVF? You know, Mary tried a few times and got it the last time.
   Why don’t you try to grow another kidney? Why don’t you try to grow more brains? Really, an IVF costs loads of money and you would be lucky if you are on a short protocol. Saves on drugs, scans and consults but still, a hefty sum. Furthermore, its a lot of hormones to be introduced to the body, poking of ovaries, needles sticking you to put you to unconsciousness! Its lot to handle physically and mentally and it is not easy at all. It takes a lot of strength and courage for an individual to decide if they should push forward to go for another round. So I will decide if I should go for another round.
5. Relax, you are still young! Mary still got pregnant when she was over 40, its a miracle!
   I dont know how many god forbidden times I have reemphasize that I am not young anymore!! I am 34 this year and I have been TTC for 4 years. In fertility’s age and a race against time with no guaranteed success, I am an aging freak. No offence to anyone but, I really wish I don’t have to be a mum at only 40. So please. Stop saying this to me.
6. Well, at least you have a good life right now.
   And I am grateful for it really. I have a good job, great boss, great colleagues, great family, 2 wonderful fur cat babies and a appreciative hubby. I am not complaining about my life, or his life or their life or life in general. I am specifically saying I have a specific problem, which is my infertility. I hate the way it is but I am doing all I can to go around my issue by doing IVFs. I really want to start a family so, please, I know I have a good life but I have other problems to handle too.
7. Mary doesn’t have any kids either. I think she is doing ok.
   Poor Mary. She is ok with it but it doesn’t mean she is not SAD! Do you know what is she really feeling inside? No you don’t and you will never do. It is a void that is unable to fill regardless how much you try to fill your life with other activities. It is something that will follow through with you for the rest of your life.  I am sad, broken and honestly, I am not THAT ok. So don’t judge others with me nor try to make it feel that it is ok without kids. Because, it is probably not. People are just trying to deal with that feeling or void. I may be wrong, but at least this is what I feel now.

I know I may sound critical and psychotic but at least that’s how I feel right now. Sighs…

And So I Thought

And so I thought, I am going to get married by 24. Then have some private couple time before having kids. I imagined  targeted to have 2 children of my own. 2 is a good number 1 is too lonely. I thought of having same sex siblings as boys and girls sometimes cant talk heart ( I am a good example with my brother) A girl followed by a boy would be great in order. They will probably be 2 years apart. The girl, being the elder one would take care of my boy. Girls are always so domesticated isn’t it? They are always very willing to help out mama in anyway. Boys are horrendous, playful, active and if they are the elder, it is hard to pin any hopes of them taking care of the younger one. 

And that was what I thought. The kind of life I wanted to live for. The standard human life cycle – Fall in love, get married, create your own family, struggle, grow old.

In reality, I got married only at 30 but that’s fine. I found a good husband. I can still work on building my family albeit a little delayed. 38? No no no no no! 38 is too old to be pregnant. The age gap would be too huge between my kids and me.  I imagined how painful labour will be. I imagined myself being pregnant and how I will not want to be like some over sized creature. I want to look pretty, at my best and flaunt my pregnancy in glamour. 

But to my horror,not only was I not having 2 kids by 34, the puking truth is that I am probably not able to have even one kid of my own. It is ironic how life pens out. We were programed to think about how we want our life to be. Plans, imagination, work for it etc. I am a solid proof that life will not turn out like what you have planned and the way you want, suck it up.

Bad people you know, can have kids. People you dislike, have kids, people who shouldnt have kids have kids (like teenagers or shotguns) I want to have a shotgun now! i want to be pregnant by surprise and not needing to try hard! I want a healthy sustainable pregnancy and a healthy baby!