I am just thinking about…

Things working well this cycle.

I have decided to go with the 2nd opinion Doc that I have seen few weeks back. I started out great. I took my time to decide by weighing out the pros and cons between my current doc and the new one.  I took time to do some research on my own case and condition then decided who gave me the best approach moving forward. (I mentioned in my previous post on the reason why I wanted a 2nd opinion)  He even prescribed Q10 for me and hubs and told us that it would improve our spermies and eggies. Worth a try then.

Having said and made all the decisions I did, I am starting to feel like a chicken. I mean, a real feeble legged chicken because I am just thinking if I made the right choice on this. What if things don’t go well? What if I fail? I am just saying, what if I was supposed to succeed with my current doc but then I left him? I know I may never know but the doubt will always be there. Arghh! I don’t know what to imagine anymore!

But but but, if I regain my sanity and weigh all the options out, I know it is ok for me to go for a 2nd Doc. It is ok for me to fail the cycle (NOT) again because if I never tried to be daring and take a second approach, I might never know what can work and not.

Ignore me. I am just a contradicting psycho.

I am not a Doctor but…

I refuse to be a sitting duck for my next cycle.

You heard that right. I used to be very passive about my cycle and after all it was my first cycle. I just listen and follow whatever Doc told me to do. Dont get me wrong, I super love my current doc. He is the nicest person on earth and I know he really cares for me. He wasnt negligent in any way. On the contrary,  he has been careful with me and hoping I would succeed. I know some docs are bastards but he definitely isnt one.

So what I am trying to do then? I am trying to review my last cycle and what went wrong. I had 38 follicles, 26 matured, 11 fertilized. Embryologist suspects my eggs are over responding to the stim drugs. (I was on Gonal-f 300) That could have very much affected my egg quality and we wouldnt know if I have bad eggs by nature unless we dissect the eggs in me. So right now if we follow along this line, we can assume about the over responding.

I discussed with doc about next cycle and my concern on the dosage of the drugs. He expressed his concern that I may be a suspected PCOS case and for that, he is unwilling to reduce the dosage as he is afraid the eggs wont respond and I may not get a linear growth on the follicles. He would still put me on 300 but he may change the drugs for me. I am still very apprehensive about the dosage. Quantity eggs does not equal to quality eggs. I did some further research. I have a feeling part of the reason that I have so many follicles could be due to the fact that my AMH is high ( I am over the grading scale) Someone from twitter gang replied PCOS and high AMH should stim on lower dose. I went on into more detail research. Dr Sher from Sher Fertility thinks it is definitely an egg quality issue (he replied to my question on the web). This makes me more uneasy to stay on my usual dose.

I took the liberty to go for a 2nd opinion from another Doc. He definitely thinks that I can do with a lower dose and wants me off BCP and start cycle on my next menses instead of doing BCP first then starting stims on Puregon. That sort of made me happy because I am also curious at the fact the need for BCP as I have such regular cycles. He told me that there are at least 4 or more reports revealing BCP before cycles reduces the chances of bringing a cycle to success. He also explained that the chances of a D3 embryo will have an equal chance as a D5 Blast embryo and it all depends on the conditions. If I wish to, I can start my new IVF cycle in July instead of August. Boy was I excited! Of course I have not made any decision yet. I have to visit the new lab that my current doc wish to use this cycle to determine what i want to do.

The new lab is in one of the famous private hospital. They have really good service and posh facilities but I just have to remember the price tag that comes along with it. I spoke to the Embryologists and they have 90% success rates to bring embryos to blast stage. I was thrilled but going blast stage doesnt equate to anything isnt it?

I am torn, I really am! The new Doc seems very innovative with his approach, the new lab with the blast rates is seriously tempting. I love my current doc but he is a tad stubborn. I am apprehensive with changing doc because that is totally not my style. But then again, what do I have to lose? Argh! I hate this, I really do.

In the World of BFN & Infertility

People don’t update about the 2WW results only for 3 reasons:

1. It is a BFN and they take time to reorganize themselves
2. It is a BFP but they want to be subtle about the announcement
3. It is a BFP but the pregnancy is very very unstable.

I belong to the 1^st reason.

I didn’t POAS at all the last FET, didnt helped in any BFP nor coping with the disappointment. I turned into a train wreck anyway. So this FET, I started POAS on 5dp3dt because I was trying to be positive and hopefully get twins? I read that you can get a result as early as this day IF YOU HAVE TWINS. I only pee-ed in the morning. 6dp3dt, 7dp3dt, 8dp3dt, 9dp3dt I get stark white results staring at me. I started to feel disgusted.

On 10dp3dt, I pee-ed on my clear blue stick and the faintest faintest line came up. I was hysterical!!! But at the same time seeing a faint line doesn’t ease my heart. I was hoping to see the line get darker the next day. I tried again and saw a faint line on 11dp3dt. by 13dp3dt, it was still VERY VERY faint and not getting any darker than control line. I knew this is going to be either over or a non viable pregnancy.

Can you see the faint line? This is 13dp3dt and not good at all:

14dp3dt. I didn’t POAS and went for my beta. I don’t want to know. The nurse wished me good luck and we waited for 1.5hrs for beta to come back. The nurse called me and said ” sorry dear but I don’t have good news” well, whats new right?!

So, I had a BFN for this 2^nd FET and it hurt real bad. Went in to see Doc and he showed me the HCG was 5. Yup you’ve read that right. 5?!! Is that a freaking insult or what? It hurt worse than the last FET because the embies looked so much prettier, transfer was so smooth and everything seemed perfect. Doc said its most likely the embie’s slow growing rate (from 6 cells to 7cells only after 24hrs) that caused the BFN. I can’t control it isn’t it? That the embryos have lousier quality? That I am almost at the brink of OHSS and that hubs has severe morphology issues? That we have done ICSI to help fertilization and have done assisted hatching for the embryos by thinning the shell so it should be able to break through easier? That all I wanted is a baby?

Maybe all that I want is a baby, is all too much to ask for in my life. Life is filled with unfairness and I totally get it, but I am not sure why you, Infertility has to be a part of this unfairness? I am not sure why I need to deal with you in my life because I never imagined my life with you around. I have never planned to have you in my life. Never in my dreams have I dreamt that you will be the murderer of my angel baby and my future child. Yes you are and I hate you to the maximum core.

I hope you get out of my life and, goodbye my beautiful babies.