Sort of working

The MTX jab is sort of working after 12 days.

I just went in for blood test today and HCG dropped from 2400 to 760. I guess that’s a YAY?!  But I am not out of the woods yet, ectopic is not ruled out and I still need to be on constant monitoring. I will return next week for another round of blood work to see if betas drop further. Tired. But happy that this is sort of going in the right direction of the levels declining.

I still have 1 embryo left but I am grounded for 3 months due to the jab. I suddenly feel very pumped up to complete the process. My doc did discuss with me the possibility of harvesting another fresh cycle before I age another year in case the frozen doesnt work. Better than I waste the time for the frozen cycle and then if I were to think of a new cycle my eggs would have aged another year. That seems like a good idea. But I thought this was going to be my last cycle?

My Doc also asked me to live my life for 3 months in awesomeness. Forget about TTC, forget about restrictions on food and stuff, just live a life and when I come back I gotta believe in this, he has to believe in this as well that my IVF is going to work. You have no idea how much I wanted to cry when he gave that motivational speech.

The truth is, Im rather pumped up in spirits. Hey I am alive! from this tedious episode… So that’s kind of a bonus and in all honesty, the quality of my embryos this cycle truly improved compared to my past 3 cycles. I see some results at least. SO yeah, I am rather pumped up and thinking along his plan.

Maybe I might change my mind, who knows.

It’s not a happy ending.

I am in beta hell….. So, let me reenact what has happened since my extraction.

So I’ve extracted my eggs on 8 March and did a fresh transfer with 2 embryos on the 10 March. I was scheduled for a blood test on 24 March. On 23 March, I POAS because I didnt want to be disappointed over the phone the next day and I thought I would never see that line appearing. But it did. I peed at night and it was 2 strong positive lines. I couldnt believe it, but I wasn’t that happy as I remember fairy tale endings doesnt really happen to me. I know I need to wait for the levels of my beta knowing I have had natural pregnancy on Ectopic before and chemical pregnancy in my 1st cycle.

24 March – I went for beta in the morning. Nurse called back without a word of congrats but told me she cannot tell me for sure that I am pregnant or not as my beta levels were only 92. I know this is not going anywhere good.I have to repeat the beta 2 days later. By evening, I started cramping mildly but I still continued with my progesterone and I had some spotting. The spotting got worse and I rushed to 24hr clinic to get a shot of progesterone. By the next day, I was at the clinic for 2nd beta.

26 March – Nurse called back and said, your beta isnt looking good, its 140 now. Not doubling and it is a concern. I have to do another beta 3 days later and see the doctor regardless of the results. By the night, my spotting turned pink and the next day, it turned bright red.I am having a full flow period and I saw clots passing out. I knew this was it. This is an early miscarriage. Then I saw white tissues being passed out that looked like a bean… I had the gut feeling that it was my embryo.

29 March – I went in for early beta and told to wait for 1hr for beta to be out and proceed to consult with my Doc. He called me in and told me my beta is at 260 after 3 days which is really worrying. He analyzed the possible scenarios for me.

• Very early pregnancy ( I was only 4 weeks+ )
• Early MC
• Ectopic
• Chemical Pregnancy

The bleeding can indicate anything but I am very concerned with having an ectopic as I’ve had an ectopic episode before. My left tube was rupturing and I had all sorts of internal bleeding and I almost died. I made him did a scan to check for free fluids but nothing was seen. Apparently too early. We agreed to see each other 2 days later.

31 March – There I was 5 weeks. beta is at 400+ This cannot be good but I am wondering, didnt I passed out all that tissue and blood? where’s the bloody pregnancy now? Could it be both embryos implanted and I lost 1 and the other an Ectopic? NOOOOoooooooooooooo. This is the worst nightmare of my life!

2 April – Beta is at 580. This is the last straw. Doc told me at 5weeks + 580 is not acceptable and I should be in 1000+ at least where a sac could be seen. We did a scan, nothing showed up at all. I have an empty uterus. The plan was to take the MTX – methotrexate  jab to kill off the pregnancy as we want to avoid going for surgery and an ectopic which is still not ruled out. I am to come back on the 5th day after the jab to do a beta to see if levels dropped.

The MTX jab is a nasty jab, it has low chemotherapy contents and it works by killing off rapid dividing cells hence killing off the possible pregnancies. I have to get a full blood count to check if my blood work is in good condition and liver conditions before accepting the jab. After the jab, I felt some dizziness but in general it is manageable. Some hair loss seen but as long as my hcg drops, I will feel safe ruling out the ectopic. Downside of it is that I cannot TTC for the next 3 months due to the chemo contents.

7 April – beta came back at 2500+ !!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF????? I am in total awe. Though I read that hcg levels may rise after 4 days of the jab which is perfectly normal but I didnt expect it to rise it to 2500 from 580???????? My Doc is truly concerned now. He sent me for a detailed ultrasound imaging scan and made me come back after scan to see him. I went for the scan, the radiologist was also working very hard moving  the wand around inside to try to locate any mass possible. I went back an hour later and Doc told me that there was nothing that they can find. THIS IS JUST GREAT. WHERE THE HELL IS MY GHOST BABY THEN? I am utterly tired and wanted this to all end. We agreed to come back on the 7th day of the jab to check the beta levels and decide if we will need a 2nd jab of MTX.

After I went home, I was really contemplating of going for a surgery and at the same time remove my remaining tube. Taking another shot of MTX will make me miserable and it depletes your Red blood cells totally. I wouldnt want to go through that….. I also did some researching that defective tubes (I probably had a defective tube on my right already) decreases the success of IVF cycles as it releases some hormones that prevents implantation. Could it be why my IVF cycles kept failing ?? I’ve made up my mind. I cannot be in this merry go round too long. I want to end this. I will suggest a surgery to end this.

9 April – I was really expecting rise in beta and convincing my Doc for a surgery. However, my beta did drop to 2400. It is just a mere drop of 100 which is not ideal. We should see something more than 15% in drop but my doc is more than happy that it dropped and ask me to come back later next week which is going to on the 15 April. I wouldnt be hoping for miracles on the beta dropping drastically.

So there I am, still in beta hell. Till date, I still have an empty uterus and ultrasounds doesnt reveal anything, not a dangling tube indicating ectopic or any mass anywhere in the womb. I am officially a PUL – Pregnancy Unknown Location. Not outta of it and no pregnancy as well and ectopic still not ruled out. Somewhere, somehow, something in my body is generating the HCG. If anyone has any similiar experiences, please share it with me.So far I have been monitoring myself closely for an ectopic episode and it has been quite safe.

This is the story of my life so far. A screwed up one in my 4th cycle. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks running to and fro the hospital for all the wrong reasons. Nurses see me coming in for beta and thought I am testing for positive progression but I am not.How sad can it be?

I really yielded better results this cycle and I had 2 beautiful grade 4 embies (grade 5 is the best) but I dont know why. Could it be really my defective tube that is blocking the implantation from happening? I dont know.

And by the way, one of the cousin is pregnant… rubbing salt on the wound. How can this whole getting my baby journey be this bad? How can it be?

IVF#4

Well, I wish I could come back to my blog and tell everyone the magical fairytale ending of me being pregnant after disappearing for 1 year. But no, it didnt happen.

I seriously thought that I will not blog again, pregnant or not pregnant. I was sick of social media, sick of seeing my peers graduate from long struggles while I am still stuck in the rut. It is as if at times, I feel the hypocrisy of the social media circle and the toxic level was just getting too high (except for a few people that I knew in social media) The toil is just too much so I decided to put a stop to it. But here I am, back again to my tiny outlet.

I took a break off cycles, I didnt transfer my blast in the end and its still in storage. We did however, tried naturally in between but failed miserably. With a mysterious anger in me sobbing uncontrollably in the toilet everytime AF visits me. BUT life still goes on in summary. I continued shopping, working and eating. I got promoted and continued to travel around with family. Life is not all bad. Would I wish that I have a kid instead of the material mentions? YES.

You see, material items are just surfaces. They will die off and you will feel empty again. While we constantly tried to search for the purpose in life, I failed miserably except the answer is always the same constant – ” perhaps a child afterall” But I must say, I am starting to manage the life without kids better than ever. It is a fact and reality that I have to consider ultimately in my face that, that could be my final destiny. Will I embrace it? YES eventually. Do I hate it? ABSOLUTELY.

And so, I decided to do my last (really last I swear) IVF cycle at a Public hospital. Finally I have decided to abandoned the so called prestigious private hospitals that failed me once, twice, thrice and countless including my frozen cycles. I am apprehensive to go for public treatment but I have nothing to lose anymore. And the fact that I get to use my subsidy at the hospital, gives me some form of consolation 🙂

But people, the wait at such hospitals can be such a bitch. Long waits, non-personalized sessions. Mass counseling session *gags* Scans can take as long as 2hrs to reach my turn. I have started my jabs. The doctor that I am seeing, sort of took pity in me that I have failed that many times and he gave me a complete different protocol from my previous 3 boring ones. We start with ovulation suppression jabs first then Menopur + Saizen then I go back to scan on Friday to count eggies and I sort of saw on the paper that my last few jabs seems to involve Pergoveris. I have not used ANY of these medications at all. He doesnt know if it will work and I do not know if it will work but we both told to each other, we will try. The doc doesnt know if it would work, but he told me let’s try. For the 1st time, I dont feel that abandoned.

I mean, nobody will know what will happen. Me neither. I can only hope. Hope that for all the things that I have gone through, will make me deserve this.

You know her?

You know the other Manager with that ugly hair color? I see that she is losing hair and that her dressing is downright ugly. I wonder if she knows it herself at all.I wonder why I have all these feelings for her. Maybe because she is the same age as I am but already have 2 children?

You know my Best mate’s wife? I feel that her life sucks because she left her job and decided to stay home. Fully dependent on my best mate. Her life is so boring and she doesnt even have many friends left! Pathetic. I wonder why I have these feelings for her. Maybe because she just had her 2nd newborn after her 1.5yr old son?

You know my girlfriend’s girlfriend who got married to a jerk and insists on staying with the jerk who abuses her is a loser? Despite trying to leave twice, she never succeeded. And all she can say is she is doing it for the sake of her child.

I am just an infertile mean bitch.

Sisterhood of the world Bloggers award

I have been nominated!

By Kim from Salt in the Womb yay! Thanks for the nomination, because I would have never imagined anyone nominating me at all. Initially I started the blog to pen out my feelings and frustrations. But I discovered viewers coming to my blog. I am not asking for high viewership, I only hope that my experience can relate to someone out there so that they wont feel alone at all in this arduous journey. I tried to be colorful, but only find myself being grey, because my life is truly grey at the moment, so apologies for the lack of humor! Back to the award, here goes:

• Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
• Put the award logo on your blog.
• Answer the ten questions the nominator has set you. – See below for the questions from Kim
• Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer. Nominate ten people.

Here are the 10 questions that Kim asked!

1. Who is your blog idol?

I am reading Greg’s blog and I really love his honest writing on what he feels about the community without the need to hide. Go check it out here

2. What song do you sing loudest in the shower?

 I dont sing in shower?

3. What’s your favorite curse word to yell at your ovaries?

I dont really have an issue with my ovaries but I would like to scream at my uterus though. No word but a string of consultation is necessary. ” Get your damn act together and let my embryos implant on it!”

4. You get to meet one of your favorite fictional characters. Who is it?

Definitely Thor from Avengers. LOL 

 

5. What do you think about when you need to smile?

My 2 cats! Both males, adopted.

6. If you could switch careers and be awesome at something other than what you currently do, what would it be?

I would really want to be an Embryologist. I should have studied Science instead, damn. I realized through my course of infertility that this is a very cool job which can help thousands of people and especially being someone going through Infertility myself, I know I will 150% more than others!!

7. What’s your go-to “I didn’t have time to do my hair” style?

Tie it up.

8. Taylor Swift or Katy Perry? YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. If you want to.

Katy Perry for sure.

 

9. Would you rather legally change your last name to Hitler or never eat chocolate again?

This is a very strange question! Since I cant stop the addiction for chocolates, I will change my last name to Hitler and make some excuse for it.

 

10. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love Benedict Cumberbatch? (If it’s below 5, I don’t know if we can be friends.)

6, I like that show – Sherlock. 

Now, for my 10 questions to the next 10 people!

1. What is your favourite cuisine?

2. What is your favourite book and why?

3. If you can choose to have a super power, what would it be?

4. If you get to go on a free trip tomorrow with no budget limits, where would you like to travel to?

5. Which is more hurting – being lied to or being gossiped at the back by others?

6. If you can change 1 thing today from the past, what would it be?

7. What have you learned through blogging?

8. Which is your favourite cartoon character?

9. Is Harry Potter yes or no for you ?

10. How many countries have you traveled to?

And I am going to nominate the following:

A few pieces missing

My Ectopic Pregnancy

Barren Betty

Fertility Doll

When dreams become Rainbows

Awaiting Autumn

 Our Egg, her nest – Think she is already nominated

I only have 7! Let’s go everyone!

Updates : I want to nominate her! Forgot about it till I saw my reader list again!
Mercurial

Busted, again

IVF3 is about to start next cycle. I went to RE for a health check to ensure my insides are ok to go.

Anxiously looking at the ultrasound screen, RE said I am about to ovulate, current measurement at 16mm. So, about 2 more days to go before the big O. Lining looks really good at 11mm, triple lining!!!!!!!!!!! All natural! How can this be happening right? After so many screwed up cycles, I finally see a window to try. But of course going to O doesnt mean it will ovulate. But RE assured me by saying if I do not O 2 days later after testing on my expensive OV kit, go back to him and he will give me a shot to push out Ovulation. WHEE!!~~~~~~

So I tested and tested and worried that my dysfunction body required the jab. However, on the 2nd day, my clear blue kit showed me a smiley face. All good to go !!! and I left for Korea that night for a business trip. I forgot all about the implantation, POAS till I came back 4 days later. It is still a week to go till POAS, I endured like a drug addict and finally caved in to POAS on CD28.

I remember that morning when I woke up. I woke up to a thermometer in my mouth. Temp is still high. ” I may have some hope!” I thought to myself. I jumped out of bed, dashed to the toilet and reached for a First Response kit in the drawer and peed myself away. I waited, and waited, and it was still white. Stark white kit staring at me. The second line never appeared…

I thought I had a chance, I thought I did. That I could luckily get pregnant and save the money for raising a baby instead of spending it on IVF3. But no, it didnt happen, it could never happen, it shall not happen. So back to my original plan on IVF3.

This whole TTC thing sucks.

I turned 35.

I am just so very disappointed by myself.

Disappointed that I am still unable to get pregnant naturally till date. Yes, I have tried IVF with 4 transfers done which brought me to nothing but I still have a right tube which I am unsure if it is fully functioning. I reckoned I can still try as it is a much cheaper way than IVF isnt it? But too bad it is, that my body is constantly failing me, my hubs soldiers are also failing him, we are all failing ourselves somehow.

Sure, I did got myself pregnant in 2012 naturally. ONE FREAKING TIME after 1.5yrs of trying and that was it. It was an ectopic. I cant figure out how I did it the last time and why I couldnt now. I just cant fathom this at all. But will asking why help? I will never get the answer isnt it? And dont get me started on that stupid HOPE thing. I know how hope works, it never lands on me and whatever people say about hope keep you going bla bla bla, it is not going to get into my head.

The struggles I have daily I am not sure if these people who keeps telling me to have hopes understand 10% of it at all. As to why I am so disappointed with myself, has a story to it.

Bah. I am not a moper. I dont like to be stuck in a spot for too long (ironic statement as i am stuck in my own IF situation for years) I like to move and move to find new solutions. Which is why I have decided to start a new IVF cycle, which is going to be my last as well. Prior to this cycle, I went back to RE and took a scan to ensure everything inside of me is doing fine as I wasnt ovulating after IVF 2. I am at CD13. I feel some movement on my right ovary (the twitter girls are right! you can feel the ovulating side!!) which showed up in the scan that I have a dominating follicle at 16mm. I also have a triple lining at 11.2mm. What are the odds right? RE gave me a plan. To test with Clear Blue’s smiley face and if I dont get a smiley by CD15 morning, give him a ring and he will jab me to push for ovulation. by CD15, I really got a smiley face which we BD of course after 12 hours.

However I can smell AF on it’s way. Earlier on I blasted on hubs because he bought me the wrong tic tac. I instantly knew it. I always snap before AF. Hence, I can look forward to my expensive IVF3 now. And as I have mentioned, dont give me the HOPE lesson. Hope doesnt work in this way. The only thing that I am so sure of in this game that I am playing with IF is my own freaking body. I know how it functions definitely, for sure.

Xmas again

It’s the most dreaded time of the year. Festive season.

Every year, we will always think we will be 3, or 4 and every year we will just end up at 2 again. 2011 was a disappointment, didn’t got pregnant no matter how hard we tried. 2012 gave us hope in late October but pregnancy ended up in an ectopic. I still went through Xmas with friends. 2013 was our 1st year of ivf which unfortunately ended up in nothing as well. This year, 2nd year of ivf but ended up negative as well and this year is also hard as I see the ladies in the IF community get pregnant and about to deliver or have delivered. It’s like I’ve been through pregnancy with them. Not the pregancy matters but more of so many IF pregnancies have occurred, where’s mine then?!!

2IVFs, 4transfers, 4 lonely Xmas and 1 miserable couple (sort of). This year we have 3 parties. Every party has kids in it, doh! And I always ended up in conflicting feelings. I love my friends. Yet I hate them being fertile and able to build a family just like that while I know I should stop being such a witch.

To end this year off in a more miserable note, I’m turning 35 in less than 3 weeks time. I’m totally struggling with that number as I can’t believe life has just zap past that quickly for me to notice it. The last I saw myself was 28??? Where did all that years go?

I probably have to think about how I want to face and spend 35 cleverly but of course I’m still gonna go ahead with ivf 3. Till then, I will be posting random short updates.

Merry Xmas everyone.

I don’t believe it

When I started my first ivf, I didn’t think I would take that long to achieve pregnancy. I didn’t think I would need ivf3 for the matter.

Fast forward. People who followed me on twitter would have known that I have completed my 3rd IVF in early April and had a blast left.

I am supposed to happy that it made to blast. But I am not.

I am in fact being thrown into the dark pits after what my embryologist explained to me what could possibly happen if I were to decide to go on with this transfer. I may face either a miscarriage or the baby stops it’s own development due to the little fetal cells present in my blast despite it’s already a Day 5 quality. They are the experts right? They should know it better. Who am I to fight science? My doc on the other hand encouraged me to try it, gritting on the slogan of Trying is Hope methodology. He did told me another thing, that is if I were to go ahead with this transfer, the only thing I need to prepare is my heart.

He is right, the chances of hatching on to my uterus seems high. I need to face a risky pregnancy if I were to get pregnant. But, may be I may not get pregnant afterall? Who knows? or maybe, all the risks may not happen at all? I struggle everyday to make a decision but it seems so hard, so damn hard.

Should I forgo this blast and do a new cycle? Perhaps. Should I go ahead with this blast and pray that nothing goes wrong? Perhaps. Should I just stop trying altogether now? Perhaps. Forgoing the blast seems stupid and silly. Afterall, all embryos deserve a chance isnt it? Doing a new cycle brings new hope but it is going to make my body weak again and may not promise another set of good results and I am speaking from 3 experienced IVF cycles.

Some days my heart is so determined to go on with it, to transfer this blast into me. On some days I feel so weak and think everything is so against me what makes me think I would ever have a chance at all? Some part of me is thinking of divorce as a quick way out, some part of me is thinking we can live this life without a child. My stupid brain is really good at taking advantage of me and making me a train wreck.

And honestly, the twitter community isnt really helping me these days. People are starting to get pregnant one by one. I am not mad at them being pregnant but I am more mad at myself why can’t I be part of that herd. The people I followed are pregnant, the followers after me are pregnant as well. People who started later than me on the treatments are already pregnant and some only did it with 1 try on IVF. And my oh my… some of these peeps can really be super insensitive on tweets. It is like as if they weren’t infertile at all. Sure, they try to tweet once or twice just to blend in back with the rest of the group but most of their tweets makes me feel like tearing them off. As such, I have also decided to stay less from Twitter these days. There are really good peeps there (even the pregnant ones) whom I still tweet to. Some of them just cant even be bothered with anyone anymore. The community seemed to have turned so… individualistic.

I guess there is some truth about being lonely in this journey. Yes we are not truly alone but we are still alone somehow. If you have any advice for me on whether I should transfer my blast, leave me a note.

That’s the end of transfer no4

Feeling angry, teary and weary.

9dp3dt, pissed morning and night =stark white bfn hpt sticks. It’s game over. When you are so far into the days past transfer, it’s literally game over. You really need to see something at least faint to know you will make it. Trust me, I’ve done so many pee tests and I know what to look out for. Why did I even bother. I thought I told myself I will be fine. I thought I told myself I will accept the failure AGAIN. I thought I saw it coming. I did but I still feel angry.

My body just hates me. My egg just can’t accept his sperm to make a good embryo. Science can’t help us because there isn’t even a chemistry.

I know and I don’t know what to do. That is all.

What a 2ww

Honestly this is my least bothered 2ww I’ve ever been through after an ivf transfer. I couldn’t even remember which day I am past transfer today till I referred back to the calendar. So I’m 8dp3dt.

I didn’t do much for this 2ww. My Brazilian nuts are sitting in the bottle waiting for me but I haven’t touched it. I left my Q10 supplements there because I don’t think it’s gonna help much. I continued to do the laundry and some chores. I continued to eat Chocs and occasional chips. I went back to work immediately after transfer, not because I don’t care but I had an important meeting to go for. Anyway, you name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve tried lying on the sofa motionless for the entire 2ww nothing happened. I’ve taken rest for transfer day off only and went back to work the next day, nothing happened. I’ve also rested for a week and nothing happened. This transfer I went work right after and I’m almost sure nothing will happen too.

I have a business trip that I need to reply to my boss If I could go because he knows I’m not going to travel if I get pregnant and I’ve given up 2 trips for my last 2 transfers and he is totally understanding and I’m super thankful for that. This trip requires me to travel on the 29 nov. My beta is on 25 nov. However, I need to make the arrangements now as it is a long trip away from home in distance. So I’m unsure if I should just go ahead and book it or wait out or go poas to check if I bfn for sure or I don’t know.

I have zero symptoms except some cramping after ET but it’s normal. I get it all the time after ET and I believe my doc scratched the walls of my cervix while transporting the tube up as I could see some old blood in my crinone mess. If I say I have no hopes for this transfer I would be lying of course. Every transfer is a hope itself. But, I’m more than cautiously optimistic, I’m also cautiously sane. I believe I won’t be breaking down as bad as I was but it will still hurt a tad. The trip then might do me good if I get a bfn.

Moving forward – ivf #3 and my last.

Who is honoring ectopic losses?

Seriously, who?

I always see infant loss day, miscarriages awareness etc but I really wish to see a contribution solely dedicated for Ectopic sufferers. We didn’t miscarry, which makes it worse as we need to agree to that conscious decision to remove that live baby inside of you. You know the baby is still surviving, you know the baby is growing but you just need to take it out because you might die from a pregnancy long awaited for.

This is all too cruel and painful. It is hard to describe that feeling of babyloss+removing baby alive. It sucks, it really does. When you wake up from the surgery you hold on to your tummy feeling what’s not there anymore – your little one. You want to think that the baby is still there and all this is just a Freddy’s nightmare and not the reality. But it’s all the truth. Baby no more.

Months or even years later you will continue to thinking about the what ifs. What if he was alive ? What if it wasn’t an ectopic? What if you sustained through the pregnancy as a normal pregnancy? What if you gave birth to the baby? I know mine would be at least 2years old now, IF he was still alive. ( I have a feeling he was a boy, I really do) and you will keep repeating these thoughts when the anniversary of it comes close or seeing someone’s 2year old etc.

The pain never stops, same as to all infant losses, babylosses, miscarriages.

This post came a little late as I blog through my mobile to honor my little one who was removed on November 9 2012 at 7 weeks as I ruptured my left tube. Took me some courage to do this. Just know that there isn’t a day whereby I would stop thinking about you. There isn’t a day gone by where I stop imagining if you were alive. I only wish the best for you.

Hope

Hope is a horrible thing. Hope gives you hope and hope makes you go on turning you into a slave to hold on to hope.

Hope made me terrible. Hope made me push on to thinking of another new round of IVF with my lovely fatherly doc before my current 2WW has even ended.

Folks, actually I am in my 2ww right now (4th transfer!!). I didn’t really announce in my twitter or anywhere for this FET as I am 95% sure of the results from this batch of embryos from IVF#2. As you may have read about my disaster IVF#2 in my earlier posts, I really have average embryos left in the fridge of the lab. I have decided to push on this FET because I have turned my head around to crawl back to my previous doc (GOD I MISS HIM) not because I wanted a transfer, but I wanted to monitor my upcoming cycle via ultrasound as my cycles were wonky after the last transfer and I was only ovulating on CD21 which is abnormal for me. So Dr Nice did an ultrasound on CD2 and found the conditions to be good and asked if I wanted to just finish up the remaining embryos since we should not waste them. I gave it some thoughts and decided to go through with it. Might as well, since I was already thinking about a new IVF cycle, I needed to finish up the embryos from IVF2 so I could move on without regrets.

The good thing is that my embryos are under the hospital assets and since Dr Nice and Dr Cyst(I have decided to call him Dr Cyst as he always manage to find a cyst in me somehow) are in the same management, Dr Nice could use the embryos even though Dr Cyst was in charge of my last IVF. To be honest, I was really afraid and unhappy with Dr Cyst due to my last experience. I believe that would be my first and last with him.

And so we decided to proceed with the remaining 4 embryos. 2 died as they couldn’t survive the thaw. 2 survived at 5 cells and 3 cells and over the 24 hours they only grew by 1 cell. A supposedly Day3 or Day4 embryo became like a Day 2-3 embryo due to the growth rate. Grading was quite bad and embryologist told me there is a 10% chance only but advised me to transfer as 10% is still a chance. So I did it anyway.

I am 2dp3dt only today. I know I know, lousy embryos can turn out to be miracles. Nurses and Embryologist there kept quoting examples of this patient, that patient who made it with quality like mine. But TRUST ME, I know myself and I am not part of this statistic. I am getting sick and tired of hearing miracles that doesn’t happen to me. I am sick and tired of hope being around me but I end up empty.

Im beginning to think me+hubs = 0 babies. I have changed doc, changed meds, changed protocol but the end results of the embryo quality turns out to be the same.

So, What kind of hope is hope giving me?

Plans moving forward

I have a lot of unexplainable feelings.

First of all, sorry for the lack of updates (if anyone is reading) There isn’t much to update actually, and work has been overwhelming. I have a new assistant now, the old one left to be a stay home mum – I will elaborate further on my ex-assistant. Other than that, I am just trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts to be prepared for my next try. I felt like I have totally given up on myself at some point even personally as a individual.  We still have 4 frosties left from IVF#2.

So, I decided to look at TTC in a holistic way. I started to think about myself on what nutrition do I actually lack of. I suddenly have this fantastic thought about taking vitamins to improve my general health and multivitamins came to my mind. However, after a few researches the mixed reviews of the health benefits of Multivitamins made me held back my plans. A few points to consider if anyone wishes to load themselves with Vitamins:

1. If you are considering eating a Multivitamin, you need to understand what you are buying Most multivitamins have everything in them but the issue here is some vitamins cancel off each other’s benefits if co-exist together.
2. If you do not know what you are deficient in or lacking in your body and start loading unnecessary supplements, you may be loading more harm than benefits in my opinion.
3. If I look at the actual necessary vitamins that are required, they are Vitamin A, C, D, K and magnesium. After reading, I realized too much A will be toxic to your body but only if Vitamin D is not present. OMG, so much to learn. You can read about it here:

http://chriskresser.com/9-steps-to-perfect-health-4-supplement-wisely

With this, I decided to do a blood test to check what I am lacking with my GP so that I can target on the right supplements to eat. My GP suggest that I do a b12 test and D test because those are the ones that are very commonly known to be poorly absorbed in us. The results came back and my D was super low! Like, 8.9ng/mL. The sufficient levels starts from 30ng/mL. So,

I am officially deficient in Vit D!!!!! No wonder I am always tired and having mysterious body aches. And what could this deficiency do to us infertiles? Plenty. Read them here for awareness:

https://www.bulletproofexec.com/the-top-5-reasons-vitamin-d-makes-women-bulletproof/

http://www.hngn.com/articles/39376/20140818/vitamin-d-levels-tied-to-fertility.htm

http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/news/20140814/womens-vitamin-d-levels-may-play-role-in-ivf-success

So now, I am taking Vit D3 supplements 5000iu per day to compensate for the deficiency. Will repeat a blood test after 1 month. #sighs. So that was my Vitamin D drama. Sorry if it looked like a nutrition post. I am no expert! Just knowing enough to help myself in TTC! Back to holistic way, I am now taking Vitamin C, D, Q10, Folic Acid and probiotics daily as supplements. In fact, I feel wayyy better just after a few days of D supplement. Yay! But that makes me wonder what have I done to myself with such deficiency.

I read that D can help in IVF successes. Does that contribute to my earlier failures? Is it because of me that I failed the IVFs and transfers because I didn’t have enough D in my body? Is it because of that I had an ectopic? I have so many question marks now but I guess nobody can verify it isn’t it? I sort of hate myself again.

Moving on, to my next approach for TTC – Intralipids. After my 3^rd failed transfer, I went to research more on what other treatments can help to implantation success and came across Intralipids. I think I trust the Doctors too much to let them know what they are doing with me. Sometimes, you just need to do more groundwork and push forward some treatments. Do you know that I have not been asked to test for any NK cells knowing that I have failed 3 transfers? I am crying aloud inside! So for this FET, I am going to push my doctor for Intralipid treatment. So now with the D up and Intralipids in place, I am hoping to get a positive result from it.

I would think this would be our final attempt. After countless natural TTC, 2 IVFs and 3 +1 upcoming transfers, I think we need to have a limit to TTC. At least this is what I think of now… Till then.

Life after BFN

It is September and I am a failure.

It has been a rough patch for every BFN I’ve experienced from my IVF Treatments. I went back to work as usual, looking at my almost due colleague with weeps in my heart. I took some time to talk myself out of the negativity and convincing myself that there is life after loss and BFN. I didn’t cry much or go into an explosion mode this BFN cycle but I wonder if it is a good thing that I didn’t. Is it because I am numbed by the number of BFNs I’ve had or I am way broken than I thought I am. Maybe it’s the latter.

After the BFN cycle, I hardly talk to Hubs. In fact, I felt angry at him. Initially it was hard to determine the reason but I gradually identified it. I was angry at him because he reminds me of our failure and our inadequacy in getting pregnant together. I was angry because he overshot his BMI by 2 and all I asked for is for him to lose some weight before the Egg Retrieval so that we can assess if the morphology got better but he did not. Work has always been the “excuse” somehow. I was angry, angry at myself for losing 1 tube and maybe having another possible blocked tube, angry at his male infertility, angry at the whole world. Good sperms and Good eggs are supposedly to go hand in hand together to create a good embryo. I have read somewhere at least one of them has to be more superior if not both. As I can’t determine my own egg quality, we are highly depending on his sperms to at least push for a good quality embryo (so I thought and always have) but it is challenging because we have always been battling with morphology issues…

We had an argument over this. He was angry that I disregarded his effort for exercising a month before the EC. I was still pissed at him because he just stopped after a month of effort while he could have pushed on, or do some serious Pilates at home if work has been too much for him to go for his runs (he usually runs)I also pointed out the fact that all he needs to do is to lose weight while I, have so many tasks to do – injections, scans, pills, EC, ET inserts etc! Now what is so difficult about losing weight! Maybe losing weight doesn’t really help but it is definitely worth a shot! Hubs finally realized where the issue was. He was apologetic and guilty because he felt that he sort of wasted the cycle. I felt guilty to have seemed to push the entire blame on him so in the end, we decided to forget about the failed cycle and move on. Of course we’ve had a good talk over this.

I often think about my TTC journey on how arduous it is and has become. I’ve tried for so long and so hard but it seems like we are never meant to be parents. With so many failed attempts I have been wondering if this is all God’s will that it is not meant to be. It seems to be a lot easier to use this as a reason to stop trying or pushing forward. But this whole TTC thingy is like a chicken and egg issue isn’t it? How would you know it is God’s will if you never try till you are defeated? Sure we have to place a timeline but if you place a timeline on yourself, would you have a doubt that maybe you’ve stopped at the wrong time, maybe if you would have pushed for 1 more try you may just succeed? 4 years of TTC, isn’t it enough to prove that it wasn’t meant to be? I was pregnant before but it was an ectopic. Isn’t that the first proof that we weren’t meant to be parents at all? Maybe it really is God’s will or is it really just a super convenient excuse to bow out right now?

But having said all that, I am still willing to give it another shot as we still have 4 Grade 2 embryos left (Grade 4 being worst) I know I am always more determined than I thought I could be. Having the “never say die” spirit can be a good or bad thing~~~ crys ~~ I may not be ready for it yet I need time to recuperate from all that drugs from IVF#2. I want to make sure that I am in my best physically and mentally before doing my next FET. It may be my last, I have not decided but I am definitely sick of IVFs. Doc said that we would do a natural FET. I am getting nervous because I have never done a natural FET before. All my FETs have been medicated, very well controlled with BCP and suppressions. I suppose it should be good for natural as there will be minimum medications used but I am afraid of the failure rate.

I have also done some research on how to improve the implantation rate. It seems that there are some studies shown on injecting Intralipids after ET to aid implantation. It is made from natural contents e.g. soy products so it is safe for the body and free from medication. I will continue to research on supplements and diets to help improve for next transfer.

Till then.

Power of Positive doesnt hurt… Not (IVF#2 Screwups)

There is a price to pay for being positive.

Like my last FET? I was rather hopeful and optimistic. I wouldn’t say I am 100% committed with blind optimistic faith but, I was positive. It earned me a bio-chemical pregnancy with a HCG value of 5. I cried worse than a baby could. That was the price for being positive… or not.

 

IVF#2cycle, I didn’t chose to be negative but I was forced to feel fucked and doomed. I haven’t got a great or good feeling about this whole cycle at all.

The whole lousy feeling all began from the day I decided to start my IVF#2. As mentioned earlier in my earlier post, new Doc wanted to skip away the BCP for me but I developed a 2.9cm follicle cyst mid cycle due to improper ovulation. So doc decided to proceed with BCP under such circumstances and I had a miserable time during the BCP cycle. I spotted all the way till AF arrived and in the midst of the spotting I went for a scan check and found a follicle trying to erupt despite being on BCP! I felt like I was sucked in a whirlpool deeper and deeper. Fortunately, the D2 scan showed no signs of cyst, endo lining is also looking pretty enough for us to start stims. That was the true beginning of the disaster.

 

I was on Puregon this time and I started on a lower dose of 250IU for 4 days. I requested for a lower dose because I was slightly over stimulated on Gonal-f 300IU the last IVF and produced lots of follicles which compromised the egg quality a little (so I believe) On the 5th Day when I went back for a scan, we saw about 11-13 follicles which was a good progress. BUT, the growth was relatively slow. Doc increased the dose back to 300IU for another 4days. Revisit scan, follies are still falling behind on growth so we have to stim for another 2 days making it 10.

Revisit scan day. Most eggies are at 17mm. still falling behind. Target is to be 19mm and above. Doc ordered another 2 days of scan and then trigger on Pregnyl. Nurse was discharging me and realized I needed to buy new Puregon but would be wasted as I am using only for 2 days so she went in to consult the Doc for advice. “ok, you can up your dose to 400IU since your growth is slow. In that way you wont waste the medicine”

 

Excuse me? Do you think I cared shit about wasting the god damn medicine? I want this cycle to work and you are suddenly increasing my dosage? Is it going to blow off the eggs? Unfortunately those were my inner voices and it never got out. I went home and thought about it. I felt like maintaining on my usual dose 300IU, since nobody will ever find out. But what if I needed that extra 100IU to boost? This 100IU left me a lot of doubts. Should I exercise my own decision to stick with 300IU or go ahead with 400IU for 2 more days to give it a boost? What if I maintained and eggs didn’t grow in time? But the doc initially also ordered 300iu. It couldn’t differ much right? But but what if?

I decided to go all out and do 400IU for 2 days. I had a rest day without jabs, god that felt good but I was feeling a little tight and painful in the ovary areas. This is not right I thought to myself, I drank lots of electrolytes and it got better but not good to feel well enough. I am beginning to worry that I am starting to OHSS even before the EC. I decided to dash to the clinic to have a check. Doc did an abdominal scan as he didn’t want to disturb the eggs and saw some free fluid outside of the ovaries . “ you see that? That’s a sign that OHSS is coming.”

“what? So what should I do now?” He told me I may or may not have OHSS, the fluid is a sign but it may not erupt into OHSS. I have a choice to choose a different trigger. Instead of going full force on Pregnyl, I can do ¼ Pregnyl and ¾ Lucrin. I have asked the differences. He prefers full pregnyl as it gives a better luteal phase effect that Lucrin but he wants me to decide because he didn’t want me to risk into the possibility of OHSS. I needed a moment. I went out called Hubs but of course he doesn’t truly understand the mechanics of it but he prefers I go the low risk way. ¼ Pregnyl and ¾ Lucrin. I sat at the clinic for 15 mins with no decision made. Trigger is going to happen in 6 hours and I am still deciding which trigger to use!!! Absolute madness! I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the nurse I am just going buy that damn Lucrin and I will eventually decide tonight if I will use it or not at my own discretion. I was almost at my ultimate madness on deciding which trigger to use, I wanted a good EC, but afraid of the effects of OHSS risking to cancel my fresh transfer. I did tweet on twitter to ask for advice. Thanks to some responses, I decided I wanted to have a good luteal phase than to have a fresh transfer because I can always do a frozen transfer but I cannot make up for the luteal phase defect. Pregnyl it is then!

I drank loads and loads of electrolytes and ate loads of protein and fortunately I did not OHSS even after EC but I had my EC drama which I blogged 2 posts earlier.

If you think that’s not enough to bring me down to negativity to protect myself, I started spotting (RED) on 3dp3dt after the morning insertion of Utrogestan. Ridiculously early to bleed for anything, be it implantation or what so ever. I tried to trace if there was an external wound but I couldn’t see anything. I was totally traumatized by the bloody finger that I pulled out and I am totally in shock. I called the clinic, they asked me to go down to the clinic to have a PIO shot which I did. But I was still spotting red, pink, brown, red, you name it I have it. The sucky thing was that I still have to continue the inserts. For this reason, I have decided to hate Utrogestan forever.

5dp3dt. The blood continued. Though containable within a pantyliner but I am still very worried. I drop by my usual GP for consult. She checked in the insides and confirmed that it was clear and found a cut like wound externally. Bloody stupid me. I cut myself? Its so strange that I did! Spotting continued… and on 10dp3dt, I realize the blood wiped is not the same shade of red that I use to see and it is so much thicker and more distinct like AF. From that moment, I know it was over. I went to POAS and confirmed I was having a BFN. I’m puzzled that AF was coming through this early, it couldn’t be. So did I really cut myself or lining wasn’t even preparing to hold in the first place!?

Screw the world. Screw the fertiles. Screw the lousy parents.

I called the clinic next morning and they asked me to come in for a beta for a closure. Seriously? You still need a beta for a closure?! It’s opening another can of worms for me! I saw my Doc. He was still trying to be hopeful and praying its implantation. Unfortunately the beta results slaps right in his face. There you have it. I am doomed. He is puzzled, like my previous Doc. They were both puzzled. Unsure why did I fail. ME either. I don’t know too. What the fuck is wrong with me?

So there, my negativity for this cycle. For the record, I didnt explode and cry nor did i feel any better being negative about this cycle. So for my next FET, I have decided to adopt into blind faith and be positive. Because I will still crash and burn anyway, it may be doesnt hurt to be positive afterall. I will find a way to manage it. Till then.

3rd IVF BFN

Everyone, it is an official BFN at 10dp3dt.

It has been 5 days since my BFN. Sometimes, I just wish that I could disappear on this earth. 3 transfers, fresh or frozen you name it, I’ve done it but till date, I have yet to see a miracle. My Doctors are puzzled, so am I. They can only relate to embryo quality issues since the reasons are unknown. PGD are not allowed here but even if it is allowed, it doesn’t guarantee success rates, it just tells you that you have a healthy embryo. If they could, I bet they will tell me to blame it on my bad luck. I see it every time that they feel it that way.

Although I fully understand that IVF treatments do not guarantee successes in 100% mode, I still feel like throwing a bitch fit at the whole world on how unfair I am feeling right now. On how people who are unfit to be parents (YES I JUDGE THEM) can be parents and people who didn’t want to get pregnant got pregnant and people who take things for granted on everything functions and how the world is designed to have us on a longer route or endless route on the journey of infertility.

All the WHYS that I have been asking, nobody ever gave me an answer. The days where my faith is constantly being challenged, I hear no voices of guidance nor visions and signs. I’m just desperately trying to end this journey but it never seemed to happen. I feel doomed.

I recall my life and how I got here today to where I am. I have always taken a longer route  than others to get there. Studies, family, love, my job. Maybe that’s how my life is being designed. To take the longer route so that I can appreciate the results, the final outcome. But this is taking a little too long. I am getting sick and tired. Can someone up there grant me a shorter route for once?! As if 4 years is not enough to torture me? Enough is enough, I beg you.

Egg Retrieval Drama Rama

I feel guilty that I havent been updating my blog. In fact, I haven’t logged in for the longest time since my last 2 days of stims. I tweet more than I blog. I am just in a mess earlier due to IVF#2 and the dramas that went along with it. I will blog about the IVF#2 process later but now, I just want to blog about my Egg Collection/Retrieval drama that happened last Friday.

I arrived at 8:15am in the morning to get prepped by Nurse Elaine. I changed into my gown and waited on my bed while Elaine came by to inform me that I can put on my good luck socks. I brought my kitty socks with me this time for good luck not knowing that disaster is going to struck after I awake from my anesthesia. Elaine then started me on BP monitoring and I could hear the machine peeping really fast on pulse rate! She turned around from her back and asked me if I am really that nervous. I gave her the absolutely YES face. Every general anesthetic procedure I go through reminded me of the time that I got wheeled into an OP room due to my ectopic. It isn’t easy for me to overcome. By then, my heart rate was measuring over 100bpm. Holy cow!

I was guided to the op room. The Anesthetist is late. I am getting more anxious than ever while watching the nurses zoom by and preparing the apparatus. 9:20am, no Anesthetist in sight. Scheduled time was 9am. I am getting impatient. Finally when he arrived at 9:30am, he looks like he was in a hurry. The first thing he said to me was

Anesthetist: Are you allergic to any medicine? yes? no?
Me: No
Anesthetist: Ok, then let’s start. Call the Doc in for retrieval.
Me: I think you are the same doctor who attended to me on my ectopic.
Anesthetist: Really? So don’t worry, this is so much simpler than your ectopic. Me: …………

Shut your trap, I really didn’t need you to tell me this is easier than my ectopic. What a jerk. My RE came in and then we spoke a few words and I was knocked out at 9:40am.

I woke up at 10:15am on the bed. But wait, something is wrong. I felt a lot of moving pains, shooting pains and pressure inside. Something is terribly wrong. It is too painful to handle. I don’t remember my egg retrieval the last time being so painful. In fact I woke up feeling good and walked out like a breeze. I am frustrated with myself on the bed on what I am experiencing. What could have gone wrong I just kept wondering?

11am. I needed to pee badly. Elaine sent Hubs to a nearby pharmacy to buy some medication for OHSS as it will be much cheaper there than getting it here. I told Elaine I needed to go to the toilet. She helped me up and left me in the toilet. I closed the door, initially half squatting on the seat but felt overwhelmed by a cloud of dizziness. I felt like I am about to pass out. I sat on the seat, pressed he emergency button and damn! No one came instantly. I pressed again, I am on the verge of falling to the ground but I quickly unlocked the door. 5 nurses came rushing. Elaine was helping me up while the rest of the nurses encouraged me not to close my eyes and not to sleep. They helped me to the bed. I broke out in cold sweat. I didn’t faint.

My Doc came back to me and asked if I was feeling ok. He told me I had some blood oozing out during the retrieval but it clotted fast so I could feel some soreness around the area and I wasn’t in the OHSS danger zone which was great news as I displayed signs of it before. But I told him my pain is more than sore. Its a lot of gas in the body with shooting and poking pains. He ordered a prescription of Antacid liquid and a pain killer for me to ease the gas and the pain.

Nurse Grace came over with a cup of hot milk and told me to drink it before I take the painkiller. I continued to lie on the bed and I was in total misery. I started to drift away, like my soul was just standing beside my bed looking at me asking me why am I doing this. Why am I suffering so much just to own something I might never have? At that moment, I felt as if enough was enough. I wanted everything to end, right there. Make the pain go away, I want it to end and I just don’t care anymore. By the time that all drama ended, I was ready to be discharged at 2:15pm.

I spent the next couple of days in a position good for farting so that I could fart out all the gas. It really relieved me once I gassed it all out but I was still in total misery. I am also still traumatized by the incident that happened in the clinic wondering if that a sign of BFN, failures and that I should start looking somewhere else for directions in life. Anyhow, Lab called the next day with the fertilization report.

25 eggs, 18 matured, 13 fertilized. I am good to go for a fresh transfer on Monday 11 Aug which made me happy because I never got a fresh transfer before. My last 2 were frozen. I was elated. But then again I wondered a lot on the quality. At the end of the day, I still got a little overstimulated. I guess I have tried my best to manipulate cycle IVF#2. I have no idea what more could I do to get pregnant.

with this drama, I am starting to seriously look into life after TTC. I am just not sure if I should continue like this repeating IVF treatments all over and over again if I were to get another BFN this round. I really feel like enough is enough, that I want to live my life and enjoy it before it is all too late. When I turn my head around and look into my past when I reach 40, I want to know that I didn’t waste it like I did in my 20s. I am turning 35 in 5 months time. Besides trying to TTC in my 30s, what else did I accomplish so far? Did I try to help others? Did I try to give back to the needy community? Did I live my life to the fullest and did what I wanted to do instead of worrying, thinking, getting stuck in the TTC process? All these questions whirl around my head forming a really long queue waiting to be answered. Maybe I should start with looking and planning into life without kids.

Fingers crossed for this transfer. Though numbed, I still have a tiny beam of hope in me. should I even expect anything from myself?

 

Fight or Flight?

The spotting nightmare continues.

Except that it’s not as pink or red like last week. It’s more brown and shows signs of stopping. I went for a scan as soon as I came back from my business trip. I was cd15 when I went to see my new doc. The good news is the that the cyst is gone but I actually have a 12mm follicle growing and showing signs of ov.

I mean, wtf right?

I’m on Bcp ! Shouldn’t the pills do their job to control the ovulation? Furthermore, my endo is 13mm. That’s hell way too thick. I’m unsure if it was the follicle cyst that released too much estrogen or the marvelon is not compatible with my body making my hormones go haywire? New doc thinks it’s not the Bcp. I think it’s the Bcp. And I realized all capable doctors are stubborn in their own way and will at some point say something stupid to piss you off.

For example, my old doc said this to me
Old doc : yes sometimes I say you are pcos sometimes I say you are not. You are not a clear case
Me: but I don’t have signs of pcos except during stims!
Old doc : that’s the most dangerous part

Now the new doc tries to do the same thing to me in this checkup
New doc: we need to do a poas test, just to check that spotting.
Me: why? My menses already came. Yes, my hcg was 5 but it’s chemical isn’t it ?
New doc: it could be very heavy implantation bleeding. On the safe side, we should just test

WTF? Very heavy implantation bleeding? If it was true, I would think the pregnancy is lost because AF was on full force. Wouldn’t I know better? They are the two best doctors in the nation. What should I do now really? to find a mediocre doctor and hope for the best? I feel awful enough that I changed doctors and I was really hoping for better luck and better conditions but it seems that this choice that I made, apparently presented me with more obstacles than I ever imagined.

So what should I do? Fight or flight now?

I am starting to doubt my decision like a maniac. For starters, old doc didn’t do anything wrong. At least with him, every process went smoothly except we have no BFP. New doc presents us with lots of challenges but we have yet to see till the end. Should I persevere or should I crawl back to old doc? Anyhow, I will wait for scan on D2 and see if we could move forward to stims. If not, I will have some serious decision to make.

I only want a baby, and a baby seems too much to ask for.

 

I am nothing but a bloody coward

I am actually in Korea for business right now.

I am leaving tomorrow but cant resist the urge to blog now. I have been spotting ever since my AF ended on Marvelon.I am not sure if it is the cyst trying to get rid of itself or is there something wrong with me.

My mind if full of doubts right now. Sometimes I feel sore but unsure if it is my IBS or the uterus. Sometimes it is prominent, sometimes it is not. I tried very hard to diagnose myself as usual but I seriously have no freaking idea what is wrong. Could it really be the cyst trying to expel itself from my body? Or could it be my old wound of the removed left tube ripped? It cant be, it has been so long, but the spot of the sore is so familiar. Or could it be because I walked too much in Korea? Because I really walked quite a few hours today (as I had a clear day) as well as on Sunday when I arrived. Does it affect? Walking too much? But IM NOT PREGNANT it doesn’t make sense! Am I that weak to not even be able to walk for some hours!!?? Could it be because I changed  a doc and my body is punishing me for my mistake? Is it because of the Marvelon instead of Gynera? Is this a punishment on me trying to change everything?

I am starting to feel like a coward. I cant help but think of crawling back to my old doc. Nothing seems to work well right now with the new doc. First scan with a cyst, now new BCP with spotting. I cant help but think “maybe” if I hadn’t tried to change anything, this wouldn’t have happened. I feel extremely helpless right now. I wanted to go fast, it became slow instead. I wanted things to be smooth, it went haywire instead. This is the first time in my TTC journey that I actually feel like giving up on myself. All the unknowns, they are driving me crazy. Maybe sticking with the knowns can make me feel better. Maybe I should really crawl back to me old doc. The known processes may make me feel better : Gynera -> Gonal F ->FET -> Lucrin  -> progynova. Nothing went wrong during the cycle isn’t it? I am a coward and omg, I feel really psychotic blabbering non stop. I just wanted to make a change, am I wrong???

I actually took a day off today in Korea to give myself a break and regroup my thoughts. I went to a random café, read my book and went to a Cat café and continued my book. I walked around aimlessly without time in mind. Nothing to remind me that I am running out of time for a baby, for giving birth, for TTC. It felt good. I suddenly realized time has slipped by for the past 4 years so fast that I don’t recall what was in the 4 years. Did I live a life? Did I actually know what I was doing? Did I became a better person? I now realize that I am constantly racing for time. A time that nobody has defined for me but myself. I want to get pregnant by 31, I need to get treatment by 3x, I need to complete my ivf by 3x, I need to do how many IVFs in this year so that I don’t waste my time. Where did all my time went?

I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. why did I create such a cruel “TIME line” for myself?

And by this time, you would have guessed that I have not really regrouped but I have already broke down. I broke down because I saw some redder spots when I came back to hotel after my shopping. That was when I literally want to give up on myself now.

Sometimes, I dont really know myself anymore.

Being complacent hurts

What happened?

Shit just happened. And so I thought I am just waiting for AF to come. And so I thought, all I need is to go for this scan and stims will start tonight. And so I thought I would be lucky to escape the BCP. No. I wasn’t any of those. New doc did a scan for me on my d3. It showed a follicle cyst of 2.9cm. 2.9!!!! We were both in shock and I am very sure that this only occurred during this cycle. I just did a FET in May and so many scans have been done. There was none. Conclusion? My ovulation was not complete.

I’m bummed. New doc wanted to skip BCP for me and start stims straight away but then this has to happened. Now he has no choice but to put me back on BCP to shrink this freaking cyst. FML. I felt so devastated. I was excited to skip BCP as it meant reducing one drug in my body but NO, this has to happen.

I’m on marvelon 21 days and to repeat scan on d2 next AF. It should be the last week of July. I hate this. I was so prepared to start my stims. I was so prepared to have a new beginning with a new doc. I was so prepared to embrace me new cycle but no, it’s not happening. And don’t, don’t anyone dare tell me everything happens for a damn reason.

What can I do? Nothing. So I wait in piss. And marvelon is not the kindest drug. I thought Gynera was a bitch but marvelon is worse!!!! It stired some cramping and I had lots of gas built up. Nurse insists I’m the first one to report such symptom. My GP doc had also did a check and said it should be my IBS acting up again, nothing to do with marvelon.

What I think of it? IT HAS TO BE THE MARVELON! It started right after I te the marvelon. Bloody hell. I would appreciate if someone has the same experience leaves a comment for me to prove that I’m not insane and overly sensitive. Thanks.

I am just thinking about…

Things working well this cycle.

I have decided to go with the 2nd opinion Doc that I have seen few weeks back. I started out great. I took my time to decide by weighing out the pros and cons between my current doc and the new one.  I took time to do some research on my own case and condition then decided who gave me the best approach moving forward. (I mentioned in my previous post on the reason why I wanted a 2nd opinion)  He even prescribed Q10 for me and hubs and told us that it would improve our spermies and eggies. Worth a try then.

Having said and made all the decisions I did, I am starting to feel like a chicken. I mean, a real feeble legged chicken because I am just thinking if I made the right choice on this. What if things don’t go well? What if I fail? I am just saying, what if I was supposed to succeed with my current doc but then I left him? I know I may never know but the doubt will always be there. Arghh! I don’t know what to imagine anymore!

But but but, if I regain my sanity and weigh all the options out, I know it is ok for me to go for a 2nd Doc. It is ok for me to fail the cycle (NOT) again because if I never tried to be daring and take a second approach, I might never know what can work and not.

Ignore me. I am just a contradicting psycho.

Please dont say these to me, hopefully NEVER

I don’t take 100% offence to these sentences but I wish I can hear less of these:

I’m going to use Mary as the name in my examples.

1. Do you know Mary is pregnant ?
   No I don’t. And even if I do, I don’t need anyone to tell it to me twice or thrice. Also, why would I wanna know?! It is not me being pregnant, why would I want to know right?! So don’t tell me who is pregnant because, I don’t want to know.
2. Don’t worry, infertility is getting common these days! Mary has it too!
   So? Seriously? Suck my toes. So what if it is common? Does it mean I should be part of the statistics? And, I don’t want to be common! And no, stop thinking that Mary should be part of the journey too.
3. Mary stopped trying naturally/gave up IVF and then got pregnant naturally.
   I’m sorry, I am not getting your kind intentions here: are you trying to tell me to give up on trying and try to waste time watching to see if I will get lucky and get pregnant?! Sorry I’m just not a lucky draw person. I never win. Good for those who got pregnant after failed IVF or multiple tries at natural but the keyword here is, I have not given up YET. So don’t tell me who has stopped what.
4. Why don’t you try another round of IVF? You know, Mary tried a few times and got it the last time.
   Why don’t you try to grow another kidney? Why don’t you try to grow more brains? Really, an IVF costs loads of money and you would be lucky if you are on a short protocol. Saves on drugs, scans and consults but still, a hefty sum. Furthermore, its a lot of hormones to be introduced to the body, poking of ovaries, needles sticking you to put you to unconsciousness! Its lot to handle physically and mentally and it is not easy at all. It takes a lot of strength and courage for an individual to decide if they should push forward to go for another round. So I will decide if I should go for another round.
5. Relax, you are still young! Mary still got pregnant when she was over 40, its a miracle!
   I dont know how many god forbidden times I have reemphasize that I am not young anymore!! I am 34 this year and I have been TTC for 4 years. In fertility’s age and a race against time with no guaranteed success, I am an aging freak. No offence to anyone but, I really wish I don’t have to be a mum at only 40. So please. Stop saying this to me.
6. Well, at least you have a good life right now.
   And I am grateful for it really. I have a good job, great boss, great colleagues, great family, 2 wonderful fur cat babies and a appreciative hubby. I am not complaining about my life, or his life or their life or life in general. I am specifically saying I have a specific problem, which is my infertility. I hate the way it is but I am doing all I can to go around my issue by doing IVFs. I really want to start a family so, please, I know I have a good life but I have other problems to handle too.
7. Mary doesn’t have any kids either. I think she is doing ok.
   Poor Mary. She is ok with it but it doesn’t mean she is not SAD! Do you know what is she really feeling inside? No you don’t and you will never do. It is a void that is unable to fill regardless how much you try to fill your life with other activities. It is something that will follow through with you for the rest of your life.  I am sad, broken and honestly, I am not THAT ok. So don’t judge others with me nor try to make it feel that it is ok without kids. Because, it is probably not. People are just trying to deal with that feeling or void. I may be wrong, but at least this is what I feel now.

I know I may sound critical and psychotic but at least that’s how I feel right now. Sighs…

Humor, something thats lost

I am a humorous person.

I still am. In front of ignorant colleagues who doesn’t know anything about me being infertile. Even in front of friends who knows about my IF, I am still maintaining my humorous side. But a lot of humor has left me as a real person. A lot of things that I used to find it funny and intriguing don’t seem that funny or intriguing anymore.

There is no humor in my friends announcing their pregnancy over facebook when there was a time I was able to joke about them putting on weight and congratulating them with the most sincerity from the bottom of my heart. Now, when I say you are fat, I meant it with 100% jealously. Its just that they cant tell.

There is also no humor in visiting my friends in hospital and carrying their newborns when there was a time I was able to hold them in my arms teasing their little mouths and eyes. Now, I can barely hold them and praise along with their parents saying baby looks like your dork husband with humor.

There is also no humor in knowing pregnancy announcements via friends when there was once I could easily joke about “again? haha” but now I can only go like ” AGAIN?!!!! Another 1!!!” with extreme anger.

There is also no humor in using Google anymore as I used to search silly things with it like, how did Milley Cyrus became such a whore. Now, I am like a freaking scientist with serious researches on Google like, how to make your uterus more receptive? How do you know your embryo is sticking? What kind of stages are there in an embryo? What drugs influence our egg quality?What can we do in the 2WW to ensure maximum chances?

There is also no humor in shopping when you see Baby sections, baby items when there was once you go “Awwwwwww, I wanna get that and that and some silly clothes to put on my baby” and now I am just going “Lets go the other way” I avoid every possible way I could.

I feel psychotic, insane and broken many times. Infertility has changed me, my character and my personality. It made me lost hope, humor and life and no, I don’t want to feel better or get out of it because I am still hurt. I reckoned I may never recover unless the stork comes visiting some day. Will it?

I am not a Doctor but…

I refuse to be a sitting duck for my next cycle.

You heard that right. I used to be very passive about my cycle and after all it was my first cycle. I just listen and follow whatever Doc told me to do. Dont get me wrong, I super love my current doc. He is the nicest person on earth and I know he really cares for me. He wasnt negligent in any way. On the contrary,  he has been careful with me and hoping I would succeed. I know some docs are bastards but he definitely isnt one.

So what I am trying to do then? I am trying to review my last cycle and what went wrong. I had 38 follicles, 26 matured, 11 fertilized. Embryologist suspects my eggs are over responding to the stim drugs. (I was on Gonal-f 300) That could have very much affected my egg quality and we wouldnt know if I have bad eggs by nature unless we dissect the eggs in me. So right now if we follow along this line, we can assume about the over responding.

I discussed with doc about next cycle and my concern on the dosage of the drugs. He expressed his concern that I may be a suspected PCOS case and for that, he is unwilling to reduce the dosage as he is afraid the eggs wont respond and I may not get a linear growth on the follicles. He would still put me on 300 but he may change the drugs for me. I am still very apprehensive about the dosage. Quantity eggs does not equal to quality eggs. I did some further research. I have a feeling part of the reason that I have so many follicles could be due to the fact that my AMH is high ( I am over the grading scale) Someone from twitter gang replied PCOS and high AMH should stim on lower dose. I went on into more detail research. Dr Sher from Sher Fertility thinks it is definitely an egg quality issue (he replied to my question on the web). This makes me more uneasy to stay on my usual dose.

I took the liberty to go for a 2nd opinion from another Doc. He definitely thinks that I can do with a lower dose and wants me off BCP and start cycle on my next menses instead of doing BCP first then starting stims on Puregon. That sort of made me happy because I am also curious at the fact the need for BCP as I have such regular cycles. He told me that there are at least 4 or more reports revealing BCP before cycles reduces the chances of bringing a cycle to success. He also explained that the chances of a D3 embryo will have an equal chance as a D5 Blast embryo and it all depends on the conditions. If I wish to, I can start my new IVF cycle in July instead of August. Boy was I excited! Of course I have not made any decision yet. I have to visit the new lab that my current doc wish to use this cycle to determine what i want to do.

The new lab is in one of the famous private hospital. They have really good service and posh facilities but I just have to remember the price tag that comes along with it. I spoke to the Embryologists and they have 90% success rates to bring embryos to blast stage. I was thrilled but going blast stage doesnt equate to anything isnt it?

I am torn, I really am! The new Doc seems very innovative with his approach, the new lab with the blast rates is seriously tempting. I love my current doc but he is a tad stubborn. I am apprehensive with changing doc because that is totally not my style. But then again, what do I have to lose? Argh! I hate this, I really do.

In the World of BFN & Infertility

People don’t update about the 2WW results only for 3 reasons:

1. It is a BFN and they take time to reorganize themselves
2. It is a BFP but they want to be subtle about the announcement
3. It is a BFP but the pregnancy is very very unstable.

I belong to the 1^st reason.

I didn’t POAS at all the last FET, didnt helped in any BFP nor coping with the disappointment. I turned into a train wreck anyway. So this FET, I started POAS on 5dp3dt because I was trying to be positive and hopefully get twins? I read that you can get a result as early as this day IF YOU HAVE TWINS. I only pee-ed in the morning. 6dp3dt, 7dp3dt, 8dp3dt, 9dp3dt I get stark white results staring at me. I started to feel disgusted.

On 10dp3dt, I pee-ed on my clear blue stick and the faintest faintest line came up. I was hysterical!!! But at the same time seeing a faint line doesn’t ease my heart. I was hoping to see the line get darker the next day. I tried again and saw a faint line on 11dp3dt. by 13dp3dt, it was still VERY VERY faint and not getting any darker than control line. I knew this is going to be either over or a non viable pregnancy.

Can you see the faint line? This is 13dp3dt and not good at all:

14dp3dt. I didn’t POAS and went for my beta. I don’t want to know. The nurse wished me good luck and we waited for 1.5hrs for beta to come back. The nurse called me and said ” sorry dear but I don’t have good news” well, whats new right?!

So, I had a BFN for this 2^nd FET and it hurt real bad. Went in to see Doc and he showed me the HCG was 5. Yup you’ve read that right. 5?!! Is that a freaking insult or what? It hurt worse than the last FET because the embies looked so much prettier, transfer was so smooth and everything seemed perfect. Doc said its most likely the embie’s slow growing rate (from 6 cells to 7cells only after 24hrs) that caused the BFN. I can’t control it isn’t it? That the embryos have lousier quality? That I am almost at the brink of OHSS and that hubs has severe morphology issues? That we have done ICSI to help fertilization and have done assisted hatching for the embryos by thinning the shell so it should be able to break through easier? That all I wanted is a baby?

Maybe all that I want is a baby, is all too much to ask for in my life. Life is filled with unfairness and I totally get it, but I am not sure why you, Infertility has to be a part of this unfairness? I am not sure why I need to deal with you in my life because I never imagined my life with you around. I have never planned to have you in my life. Never in my dreams have I dreamt that you will be the murderer of my angel baby and my future child. Yes you are and I hate you to the maximum core.

I hope you get out of my life and, goodbye my beautiful babies.

13dp3dt

I’ve always know what I wanted if I am pregnant.

I know exactly the kind of dresses, pants and tops to wear if I am pregnant at various stages. The keyword is stylish. I wanted to be a stylish pregnant lady and a pretty one. I thought to flaunt a little on my small asset with my stylish plus size dress (I rather buy plus size than maternity wear) when the tummy shows. Whenever I shopped and bought dresses or tops I would think to myself:” hmm this is baggy enough to keep it for pregnancy use. For now with a belt it looks just nice for office!”

I also know the kind of stroller I want to buy for my baby – Stokke Strollers. They are front facing and can be tilted in an angle so that you can see your baby all the time. Swaddles, pajamas, car seat, you named it I have thought about them all! A baby is all I’ve ever wanted ever since my entire life.

But now, I just want to take it a step at a time. When I see dresses that fits for a maternity dress I will put down that dress immediately once I have that thought. I don’t dare to dream about strollers, car seats or cots anymore. I am just so afraid of jinxing myself. We have an extra room that has been empty for the longest time. No baby furniture in the room though just a long sofa in the miserable room, waiting to be decorated with baby furniture in time to come. Sometimes my cats will patronize the room and have a nap in it but we seldom utilize the room. We are just waiting, waiting for the day which may or may not come. I often picture my cats playing with the baby like how they play with me rubbing their heads all over me like they own me. I also picture the day where my mum, mother-in-law and father-in-law will be able to carry our baby in their arms.

I am sick of this waiting game. I am sick of being stuck in this same rut over and over again. I mean, who doesn’t? I’ve never imagined wanting a baby and having a baby is that difficult before I started TTC. I didn’t know I will be become or be branded as an infertile, who would have imagined themselves to be? This is just sheer craziness! I know I told myself I would want to enjoy my 2WW this time which I did for the first 4 days. Then it became extremely difficult as days just flow by like some slowmo-meter(my own word) I am engulfed into the negativity, the rage and the anger all over again. I know I should have become a better person to handle this 2WW but I think I didn’t manage to do it.

Tomorrow will be my beta test at the clinic. I am unsure how tomorrow will unfold for me but I am sure I will crumble hard if it is another BFN… I wish myself lots of luck.

My Sincere Plea

Dear Buns,

It has been 12 days since we last met in the lab. I wonder how are you all doing inside of me. Is it warm enough for you to implant on it? Is it spongy enough for you to rest on it? In any case, I hope my uterus environment is more than comfortable for you all to stay in it.

Do you know I already love you before I met you ? I love you so much that I want to do everything within my means to make to stay by my side and watch you grow up healthily as a child. I want to give you my best parenting love that I could ever give. I won’t spoil you by giving you the world but I will indulge you if it is not too much to ask for or incurring anyone’s wrath. Mummy has been waiting for so long. Your big brother came by, and left… I never had the chance to see him face to face but I had the chance to say goodbye to him in my heart before he was taken away from me.

If I see you come to this earth, I will tell you that life is never fair. We will have to face extreme difficulties but we just have to keep moving along forward. Of course I hope you wont be dealt with severe blows like infertility or early deaths.

I don’t know what to say to make you stay for long, hopefully long enough not for me to worry and I want to tell you, mummy really wants you. Mummy really loves you and want to hold you in my arms 9 months later to kiss you hard in the face and to cuddle you in my arms. I look forward to the day when we can reunite as a family. I hope you will be the one. Please come to me strong…

8dp3dt

I am devastated.

I was really hoping to write about happy stuff instead of my negativity explosion. I caved in and poas on 5dp3dt, BFN. I tried again on 7dp3dt and today in the morning but it was BFN. BFN seems to like me more than anything else. As I stared at the awfully white blank results, I feel like breaking down badly. I held my composure, and continued to get ready for work. Resiliency, why do I bother to have that?

Is it really too early? I dont know. I just know that my embies dont want to stick to me (maybe) I am devastated at the BFN even if I dont know for sure the results yet. Just full of negativity about this FET. Though I try to brace myself for IVF2, I really hate it. I hate it that I am still not going to bring any good news to my families. I hate that flaunting bittergourd flaunting her pregnancy in her super tight top as she cant wait to show off to everyone her pregnant belly. I hate it all.

Going through 2WW is indeed not easy and hard to maintain composure.  When will I BFP? Embbies, please come to mama!  

5dp3dt

Yup, that’s my status now.

I am not doing very well today. The effects of progesterone are eating into me. I am on progesterone tablets, progesterone inserts + a progesterone jab last Thursday at CARE. ( I hate the oil progesterones, they hurt!) so it is a full blast support on progesterone. I feel dizzy, nauseous and crampy. I know it is too early for an AF cramp so I am really hoping that this is implantation cramps… I would say, nothing can be taken for granted in an IVF/FET cycle. As much as I want to have a BFP or even with twins, I really cant be sure what the future holds for me. Future being the beta test on 29 May.

I am looking at my embryo pictures and my ultrasound transfer pictures daily just to talk to my buns and have some small conversations with them. I know they are just cells right now but I somehow have the feeling that they can hear me, in some way. So, I am really hoping that they hear my plea and stick onto my lining! I am also comparing to see how different the embies look from the last FET and the current. They definitely have different shapes, I am hoping buns will do better this time. The best part about the embies picture? I showed it to my boss and he was like ” Amazing. My cousin can tell the sex of the baby from the embryos”

I was like, “wow” His cousin is actually working in the research lab doing such extensive research work in Netherlands but the government started to ban such research as they didnt want people to choose the sex of the babies during treatment. The cousin has since moved to Belgium for the matter. I think it is a very cool job to have. For me at this moment, I dont really have the luxury of choosing the sex of the baby, I just want to have a baby. So, please stick to me bun buns!!!!! 

Sorry for the digression.

I am also contemplating on POAS tonight or tomorrow. The last FET, I’ve had total 100% self control not to do any POAS test and fell hard after beta came back with less than 1% HCG. WTF. It didnt do me any good for not peeing. So this time, I am thinking, should I pee from 6dp3dt? I read alot of people in forums started testing during this time of the 2WW. I know I know, it doesnt do me any good but it didnt do me any either the last FET, so… I might just try to pee tonight or tomorrow. Feeling anxious though. I am praying hard to the day that I pee to get a BFP!

FET 2 Complete

Déjà vu on this FET.

My body condition was exactly like the last FET. My lining was perfect, uterus was fine but I didn’t manage to get a BFP the last cycle. So its sort of a déjà vu feeling. But comparing to the last FET, I think this FET was done a lot better. What was so different about it?

1. For the last FET, I didn’t talk to my embryologist in detail as in, fixing an appointment but this time we did. Although she was still trying to manage my expectations on my embryos as they are grade 2minus (graded 1-4, 4 being lowest) she was actually quite encouraging this time. For that we are happy about it. We thawed all the 6 remaining embryos belonging to the last cycle and that means, no more frosties left over for me to use if this fails. Out of the 6, 4 isnt doing THAT well. 2 are progressing ok. Lab confirmed for a Day 3 transfer and asked me not to wait for a Day 5 as they dont think the odds are good. Whats new *rolls eyes*
   
2. For the last FET, I woke up on the dot and drove to the clinic for the transfer. When I arrived at the clinic and in no more than 10 mins later, I had the nervous cramping-need-to-shit-due-to-nervousness feeling rushing inside of me. I was supposed to have my bladder half-filled but I couldn’t take the urgency and went to the toilet to settle myself. There goes my water in the bladder. Although I tried to down as much water as I could, with 10 mins away to the transfer it is just not allowing my bladder to be filled. Damn it. As such, we were unable to see the transfer from the ultrasound and doctor needed to scan me underneath to determine the path to plant the embryos. But for this FET, I woke up at 630am ( FET was at 9am, clinic is 30mins drive from house) I woke up early so that I can prep talk myself to go toilet and shit it all out (TMI) as I don’t want to repeat the same episode needing to go to the toilet because I felt nervous. And, it was a success teeheehee. When we arrived at the clinic and true enough, my stomach wants to do me in again by giving me the nervous stinge. But because I have cleared my bowels earlier, I have no urgency for the toilet so i just have to endure the feeling, blehh. Take that you bowel! HAH!
   
3. For the last FET, when doc tried to clean my cervix, uterus as the Crinone was all over the shop, he shocked me by leaps with the swabbing action and it kinda hurt man! This time round I have pre-warned my doc about the swabbing to not give me any shocks as I do not want to make my uterus stressed. This time he got it gently. Yay!
   
4. For the last FET, because my bladder wasn’t filled, I couldn’t see the transfer process on the ultrasound. This time, I could see everything. I can see the catheter going up the uterus, I can see the embryos being deposited and I can see my endo! It was emotional for me to see the little buds and them being deposited in my uterus… Now they just need to grow and stick.

Rested in bed at the clinic for 30 mins and needed to rush to the toilet to empty the bladder but doc thinks is ok to empty after a 30min rest. On our way home, I was still very apprehensive about the results of this FET and was already trying to look into the “future” of the end of my 2WW. But a girlfriend who knows told me, whether you are taking this with a positive or negative mind, it will not change the results isn’t it? She has a point, so I have decided to enjoy myself during this 2WW. If it fails, I will cry on it for a while and get myself back up again and try another round of IVF. I can do it! I think?  Now, back to my 2WW

Full Force Ahead for FET

So the scan went fine.

Real fine. I mean with a lining at 11.5mm, I have nothing else to ask for except…

We need to decide if we have to thaw all of the embryos and find the strongest 2 or do it in a group and leave the rest in frost. The next decision is to see if we want to bring the embryos to blast stage. Normal transfer will be done on a day 3. They need to be thaw on Day 2 and then make sure they are developed and get transferred the next day. To bring the embryos to blast stage requires further growing of the embryo and will need to be done on a day 5. Today I am Day 0. I have 6 frosties left over from my last IVF. They were graded against a scale of 4. 1 being the best and 4 is the worst. I have all my 6 embies on Grade 2- MINUS. My OB tells me that the grading is being judged by its appearance and does not affect the performance of the embryo itself. The embryo is basically the carrier of the genetics and DNA and it doesnt dictate if the embryo will be strong or weak when it is being transferred in the womb.

Of course the embryologist thinks otherwise. I must say that she is kind to me today than usual days. She is less hostile and critical on my embryos but I brought up the topic myself on the grading of the embryos. She of course wants to manage our expectations about the embryos being able to thaw well, and grow after thaw, let alone go to blastocyst. GRRRR. She is just not very optimistic about my grade of embryos. It is starting to eat into my head and meee and I am starting to get nervous. But, all embryos deserve an equal chance right? All I need is our one embryo that will create a miracle for us.

Having said that, I am still feeling nervous. FET is scheduled to be on Day 3 transfer at the moment. Unless embryos do really really well and goes to Blast stage. We will then be able to move to a day 4 or day 5 transfer depending on our embryo’s progression. I hate failing, I really do. I am sick of seeing preggies around me. I am sick of being an infertile. I am keeping my fingers crossed for this.

Giving Thanks

At where I am standing today, I want to thank a few people…

1. The Family
   My mum has been really supportive of what I am going through and although she seldom asks about my progress, I know she cares in the most resilient way. I know it when I tell her whoever is pregnant, she feels sad in her heart for me even if she never expresses it out to me. She has never been expressive on emotions anyway (She was a very strict mum when I was much younger) But I know, she cares. I have never imagined that she would say this to me when I was in the hospital with after my ectopic surgery ” We are destined on whether to have any children or not, so dont be too hard on yourself” I didnt know she can be that open.

   My Mother, Father and Grandmother-in-law.
   They have been very supportive. My Mother in law took great care of me while I was bed ridden after my Ectopic like her own daughter. So I am really thankful for that too. They tell me not to fret on having babies and that this could all be fated and its really nobody’s fault. Being Asian, it is important to be able to continue the family line. I am guilty of that in a way that we are still unable to fulfill that but they have not once pressure me into giving them a great grand child or grandchild and I am really thankful for that. Thankful that they have not dismiss my capabilities as a Daughter-in-law or looking down on my infertility. In fact, our relationship grew much further after my ectopic pregnancy.

2. Social Network Peeps
   I love how I am connected to the other side of the world via technology. Their stories are amazing, the strength they have is amazing and their determination is out of this world. They have made me feel that I am really not that alone in this and that through the twitters and blogs that I have read, bad things do happen to good people too.
3. My Boss
   My boss is a Dutch and a humorous man. We have great chemistry together and enjoys a good relationship. We can fight it out, argue about individual opinions objectively and yet not get pissed at each other after. I am seriously lucky to have a boss like him. He has been nothing but understanding and supportive of me going for IVF. I need to disappear sometimes during office hours to go for scans, checkups and he totally get it. Without a supportive boss, I believe I couldnt have done my IVF last year that successfully.  And now, he has to act like he doesnt know anything about me going through my FET 2 in front of my close colleagues which he interacts alot with as well. LOL!
4. Me, myself
   I really want to thank myself for me. I think we often neglect the most important person in this journey who is yourself. Not the doctor, not the embryologist nor the nurse but yourself because you have to bring yourself to the Doctor to get going and throughout the entire procedure draining process, You have to manage yourself but they manages your results.. So here it goes:

   I want to thank my body for holding up and not having major breakdowns for the years that I am alive despite the abuse of rough sports, eating junk food and past relationships with ex-boyfriends. I’ve had some health scares though but, my body is still holding it up well for me.

   I want to thank my body for giving me regular AFs and OVs despite the ridiculous amounts of hormones introduced during my IVF and FET.  . 

   I want to thank my body for being a supportive entity to me while I am jabbing myself silly with hormones or eating them without turning me into a scale of 10 cranky monster.

   I want to thank my mind for all the self consoling and self talks to keep my mental state stable and clear of insanity.

   I want to thank myself for having the courage and strength to brave through this storm. Many times, I have no idea where the strength and courage comes from but I just go forward with it. Sometimes it is just sheer brainless courage, sometimes it is the countless times of self convincing and recuperation to be able to move on.

   So now, I just need to have that extra strength to push through my FET2, 2WW and Beta. But first, I have to make sure my embies survive the thaw and grow well. Fingers crossed! So thats it for my thank you speech. Oh and of course, the Hubs. Do I even need to say more? He will always be in the list. *winks*

   I will always be grateful from the bottom of my heart no matter where this journey ends up in. Though I will really get psychotic if I am still barren.

FET Process Review

And so, I am halfway through my FET.

21 Days of Gynera completed- To ensure AF comes on time to start the process.
14 days of Lucrin so far – To suppress ovulation so to not disturb the FET process. 7-8 more jabs to go
5 days of Progynova so far – to control uterus lining. 7 more days to go…

Gynera – I dont do very well with these little bitches. They gave me cranky mood swings and headaches and nausea etc. I am sure glad that I’ve completed the pill cycle.

Lucrin – Self jab nightmares. I have probably jabbed myself about more than 30 times from my last IVF + FET 1 that I probably should have gained enough experience to jab myself right? NO. I struggled with it after almost a year of not jabbing myself. Blood oozed out on my 1st lucrin jab. Crap. It gradually got better by the 3rd day of it as I recalled the techniques that I performed on myself. 

Progynova – So far so good. Occasional headaches but it doesnt last the whole day thankfully.

But I must say I am high on hormones. I have a feeling that I have to start my Crinone soon. It is usually used 2 days before the FET. By then, that would be the 4th set of hormones for this cycle. Yikes~

I will see doc on 12 May to confirm the date for FET. But before that we have to do a scan to ensure everything is fine within me and then to the lab to speak to the embryologist on the thaw strategy of my embryos. We are left with 6 embies so we have to decide if we want to thaw all of them and pick the strongest 2 or should we thaw like 3 to check how it goes and if they cant make it we will do another group of 3. I am not sure now. Its all very confusing.

All I know is, I want to be pregnant. I want to get pregnant. I want to stay pregnant! I want to be a preggie!!!

And to bring some positivity to myself, I want to tell myself this: 

 

2 sides of the coin It is either possible to fail or possible to succeed. So much for positivity.

Baby Birthday Parties

Not mine of course.

If people knows about what I am into now I dont think they will ever want to invite me to their showers, birthday parties. Nonetheless, I am invited to one of my girlfriend’s 1 year birthday party next week. She is close to me and I dont mind going for the party. I love her and her daughter and I am truly happy for her. I really am. She TTC for 1 year or so and got pregnant naturally. So, I would say she got it through hard work as well and she knows about what I went through too.

What I mind about that party are the distant friends whom I dont see often that have kids. Then you know, the usual questions kick in on you and it usually goes like this:

Strange Friend : So, hows marriage life?
Me : ok, doing not bad. Silence.
Strange Friend : So are you planning for any kids or you’ve already have 1?
Me: Oh its really difficult to plan for one as I am constantly traveling for work.
Strange Friend: Really? Aww, you should try to scale down your work. Having kids are so fun you know?

I have had many many conversations of such in the past. Which infertile doesnt know that having kids are fun? We need to have 1 first you dumbasses.

I am really not sure if I want to handle all these and screw up my own calmness with my FET coming up next week. Holy Cow, it is next week!!!!!!

How Did I Get Here Part II – My Ectopic Pregnancy

So I found out I was pregnant in Australia at the end of October 2012.

I sent a photo of the pee stick results to Hubs and he cant believe that this is happening to us! I was doubtful. Doubtful about this pregnancy going well, my 6th sense tells me something is not right as I link back to the nights where I needed to wake up to cough at night the pains I have been experiencing near the ovaries. I cant wait to fly back to Singapore to see my Doc.

At the clinic, Doc tried to perform a scan but it is too early to see anything. I told him my fears. He fears the same but there is nothing we can do but to monitor. He suspects I am in Week 5 of the pregnancy and asked me to return during Week 7 for a scan.

I continue to live like a pregnant lady for 1.5 weeks but the pains got worst and only occurs when I am lying down. Sneezing, coughing makes my life hell as the left area would just cramp up tightly with lots of pressure and I literally can’t move at all till the pain is released. I know it. I know deep down in my gut this pregnancy is not normal. I just know…

November 9. I am into my Week7 and symptoms unchanged. I went to work as usual and quickly approached lunchtime. I went out with 1 colleague to grab some quick lunch downstairs my office. It was close to 1:45pm and we just got our food, sat down at the table and started eating. When I was trying to reach for a second mouth, I felt a very sharp, intense shooting pain from my rectum up to my throat. I have never experienced anything like this before in my entire life. I tried to dismiss it, but it came back again and more intense. It made me feel like going to the toilet for a diarrhea. I quickly told my colleague that I kinda feel unwell in my stomach and I need to rush to the nearby toilet and that she doesnt have to wait for me to return. As I rushed to the toilet which is actually not too far away but seems miles apart today! I was in great pain, I started seeing stars and I am almost about to collapse but I told myself NO, I am not going to collapse here, please please just let me make it to the toilet, PLEASE!

I finally made it to the toilet and it was a long Q. Argh! I shamelessly asked to jump Q to the first lady in the queue and she allowed me because I think I really looked like shit. I texted my hubby to inform the clinic nurse of my episode. I had a long diarrhea and it relived my pain immediately. I had no bleeding or whatsoever. I composed myself and cleaned up quickly and got out of the toilet, returned to the office, called my nurse and she told me to come to the clinic immediately. I informed my boss and left.

On the way to the clinic/Hospital with Hubs, my mind was in a long string of thoughts which one leads to another. I know I will lose the baby and I really think it is in my tube as I think back about the pains that I had in the night. I have no idea what to do or react. Though I looked calm on the outside, 1000 items are actually going through my brain. We arrived at the clinic and Catherine my nurse rushed me into the consultation room. Scan was performed and it only hit me real hard when my doc said to me, “I see the sac but there is nothing in it.” I think my heart stopped for a while. He tried to scan for the baby elsewhere but found lots of fluid around my right side. He suspects the ectopic is in the right tube but I told him it should be in the left. It was close to 3:30pm and he had to arrange for an operation for me. He will do a laparoscopy (which is a key hole surgery ) and hoping he can find the pregnancy. Otherwise he will have to cut me open with bigger incisions to find the baby which he doesnt want to go there as the recovery process will be much longer but he was quite confident he will be able to locate the baby. He will try to save my tube/s after he assesses.

Catherine sent me to the back of the clinic to get hooked up on an IV drip before sending me up to the hospital ward. The nurses at the back were getting panicky about doing an IV Drip as they are usually just dealing with patients and medications. My tears were just free flowing and everyone asks me to take it easy. HOW CAN I TAKE IT EASY! I am pregnant and I am going to lose my baby! The nurses still continue to scramble how to stick the needle in my vein. I just couldnt be bothered with the commotion as I have enough on my own dealing with my own emotions. Finally they got an OB who just got out of consult to help with the IV. My veins were literally invisible which made it harder but she did a good job. One shot one kill.

I was wheeled up to the hospital ward. One of the nurse came up to us and said, “we couldnt get a 1 bedder ward, is it ok that we get you a 2 bedder? ” Hell man, do you really think I care about how many beds are there in the ward?! I am not going for delivery, I am going for a murder operation!  But we said ok. I was warded and waiting for my op. The HCG results came back and verified the ectopic. It wasnt doubling as it should be in a normal pregnancy. I hate myself. I hate myself that I have a blocked tube. I hate myself that after trying for so long, this would be the time where I have to kill it.
At the sane time, my mum arrives at the hospital. My hubs informed my mother in law and family.

Its approaching 5pm. I was prepped and ready to be wheeled into the OR. The Anesthetist came to give me a first shot of injection. After that my doc arrived and comforted me that everything will be ok and he will see me in the OR. I really respect him. He is like a father to me and now my savior. I said a little prayer to my baby hoping that he will be fine after he leaves and that Mummy will love him no matter what. Then I went into the OR. I tried very hard not to fall asleep on the table as I really dont want to start the process going. I was fighting really hard, fighting and fighting the sleepiness but before I know it, I was already in the recovery area. I woke up feeling dead. Dead that I lost my baby. I actually found myself unable to talk for a while. I am just emotionally dead. So thats the feeling of losing a baby.

My doc told me he removed my left tube as the embryo has started to rupture the tube and it was growing in size. The shooting pains that I experienced earlier was actually the blood from the fallopian tube dripping down to the rectum, touching the area and making it sensitive and reactive. Unfortunately he couldnt assess much on my right tube as he said I was bleeding out quite heavily and I am just a step away from blood transfusion and he didnt want me to be on that so he had to close me up quickly. But he did take a photo of it and remarked it looks moderately abnormal in appearance. This literally means that my right tube could very well be blocked as well.

That night in the hospital, I cried, again. Thinking how would my baby be if he would still be alive and how great would it be if I am still pregnant. but it is impossible now. All is gone. I was discharged the next day but was in slight pain. I went home and made recovery after resting in bed for 3.5 weeks. It wasnt easy but I made it.

I saw my doc after a month of my op. He gave me 2 options. One is to continue to try getting pregnant naturally. He thinks since I have proven myself wrong that I could get pregnant, I may just make it again. However, the right tube doesnt look fantastic and an ectopic might reoccur. Two, is to go straight to IVF. IUI will not work for us because it really depends on my tubes still and I dont want to waste time doing that as well but IVF would be more invasive with the jabs and procedure. Time is also not really on my side. By the time, I was 33. IVF should optimally be done before 34 for a higher success rate. After much discussion and thinking, we decided to go for IVF in order not to waste time.

So that was how I got here.

Looking back, I have learned so much about myself and the ectopic. My Doc said I could have lost my life on it and I did went through a major op. I am glad that I am still alive, I really am.

Now, back to pursuing my baby dreams. 

How Did I Get Here Part I – The Beginning of TTC

How did I get here. 

It’s kinda painful to go through it again but I guess it is good to get it documented. So here goes.

Hubby and I got married in 2010 and started our TTC journey in 2011. After 4 months of trying, we couldn’t get pregnant and I thought ok, maybe it is due to a wrong timing in sex planning or I am getting old ( I was 31 hubs was 30 then)or the best reason came, these things takes time. My cousin introduced BBT charting to me and so I did it. My chart was pretty, the temperature dipped when it is supposed to dip and rose when it is supposed to rise. I am getting frustrated, truly frustrated. I have very regular menses, I have very obvious signs of OV (cervical mucus, mid cycle pain) you name it I have it. Everything seems so normal and I have no idea what could go wrong. 8 months into TTC, zero results. I decided we need to see someone for help as something abnormal happened on a normal me.

We went to an OB and did a scan. He found a polyp on my lining but at the same time I was going to ovulate in less than 2 days. He suggests that we should try for this cycle and if we do not succeed, we should go back to him and get prepared for a laparoscopy to get rid of the polyp and at the same time get my tubes checked. That’s super invasive for me! Polyps and functional cysts sometimes come and go. I really don’t think I should go under the knife just to clear a 1mm polyp or to check my tubes! And so, I went to a Chinese Doc and she sent us both to the hospital for fertility blood tests. Except being abit low on Estrogen, everything else seemed fine for me. Hubby on the other hand returned with very low mobility (40%) and morphology (2%)!!! The thing about morphology is that, we can’t change anything on that. It is the appearance of the sperm and apparently a lot of ours are not normal looking. For that matter, the sperms will have great difficulties in penetrating the egg. The consoling prize is that, hubby’s count was good, damn good like in billions. Maybe we could get lucky to meet 1 normal looking sperm? After all, it’s an intense swimming competition in there, right? We sluggishly continued TTC. Sex isn’t fun anymore. It became a mundane scheduled task but getting pregnant is all there is on our minds.

Time moved on leaving us behind with no success. I got beaten by the damn stick every month I pee-ed on it. A few months have passed again. We decided to see another fertility specialist and he is one of the best in the country. We showed him all the stats and results and he had a plan. OMG HE HAD A PLAN!! The doctors that I have seen are always telling me we will have to wait and see.  So here’s the plan:

1.       I am to buy the Clearblue OV digital sticks. Yes, the bloody expensive ones with the smiley face when you ovulate.
2.       I am to test for the most fertile day and once the smiley face comes up, we will have to BD within the next 12 hours.
3.       I am only to have sex on that day ONLY. He doesn’t want us to try alternate days as it will be wasting “bullets” unnecessarily. He wants to focus all efforts on that most fertile day that we have.
4.       I am to practice this for 3 months.
5.       If I still fail to get pregnant, then we will have to consider an IUI or IVF.

He said to us, everything has to have a timeline so, we cannot be in it endlessly and we have to keep moving . Sounds like a great plan. We tried for 1 month… 2 months… but nothing came up. I thought we were doomed.

In the 3^rdmonth, we left for Shanghai to visit my cousin who relocated there after her wedding. I think I truly enjoyed myself there. Since we were in my cousin’s house, it is always quite difficult to baby dance because it really isn’t our house and we feel uncomfortable. But we did it during one of the nights anyway, well we have to try right? I wasn’t too hopeful for it to be successful as we always have negative results, but we just wanted to try.

Then we returned from Shanghai and I left for my 1 week business trip to Australia. That week happens to be AF week but AF never came. Its fine I thought, because sometimes it gets delayed a few days and it’s normal. No need for panic alarm. Most importantly, I don’t want to waste another dollar to buy a stick to get disappointed.

In the first night while I was sleeping, I had the urge to cough and when I did, I felt a sore on the lower left which is around the ovary area. I only feel the sore when I coughed and when I am lying down. I don’t feel anything when I am standing or sitting and I had no urge to cough in those positions. As the nights passed, I started to cough more in the night usually in the middle of my sleep. And when I coughed, it turned from a sore to a cramp that was quite bad. It was so bad that I couldn’t move and had to take a few deep breaths and wait for the cramp to be released. By the last night of my business trip in Queensland( I was traveling across a few states), I got way passed my AF timing and I started to worry. I worry for the fact that something might happened if I board that plane being pregnant. 

I ran to the store and bought a test kit and I pee-ed on it. 5 mins later, I saw 2 positive lines…

To be continued..

Secret Network

Shortly after my ectopic, I embraced IVF with my OB in 2013. As a rookie, I did what many would have done – google-ing everything. I joined the strongest forum in Singapore to try to fit in to the new terminologies and the support group frequency.

Many people (in my country at least) are very much concerned about the process of the IVF, IUI, whether will it succeed or not. The description of the process, how are they generally should feel and check out for during the TWW, bloodwork BFP, BFN. Which TCM to see, which OB to go for. It seems very robotic and monotonous to me. And so, I left the forum after a while. It was too hectic for me, just like the life we are living in Asia and I dont find a sense of belonging.

I left the forum and stopped searching for help. I went through my IVF and then FET 1 and stopped for 1 year. I did have TCM medicines though which helped me a great deal for healing after post ectopic surgery. Then, I started to TTC again late Dec 2013 and found myself on the web again searching for answers, references, success stories and failures. But this time, I searched for blogs instead as I feel that people blogging might just give me more details. I was right. I found alot of blogs from USA where infertility is as common as it is in Asia. I also realized the support network that they have there is really wonderful between bloggers. One blogger links to the other, sharing and comforting each other with a common ground of understanding. So there, I found my secret network of common understandings. People who really knows about what I am facing in my infertility journey, my frustrations, my ectopic, my IVF, my FET, and my countless tries as an infertile! I think I was and still am excited. 

Friends, they just dont get it. Best of friends dont get it either. You have to be an infertile going through the infertility journey to be able to understand what I am feeling and not telling me you understand how difficult it is to get pregnant after trying for less than 6 months or how your son is getting hard to handle etc or it is God’s will to have future plans for you later or there is always a god damn reason for whatever has happened when I DONT even see what is the reason and then you come with, sometimes, we might never know the reason. How convenient.

I like to read what the other writers are blogging. They blog about how they are feeling on  going through each phase. Because in a way, it helps me discover my own feelings and how I actually feel about myself too. I realized it is normal that I am a green monster when I see or hear a pregnant woman and that I am not a bad person. I also finally realized after reading at least 10 blogs that it really doesn’t matter if I were to keep myself relaxed or be stress about what I am going through because it cant really help my infertility (that much) or help my embryos stick to my uterus wall or unblock my potentially blocked right tube.. People are feeling as mixed as I am so, I feel that I am not alone. 

Asians are generally very reserved and the education for infertility in Singapore in barely there. Commercials are all about baby making, how wonderful would it be to start a family, how babies change your life in a good way, how important it is to have a baby to complete your life cycle. Advocates of infertility is not there, it is just not there! But I can tell you, we have quite good subsidies for IVF treatments in Singapore. They subsidize up to 70% of your treatments in government hospitals but nothing in private hospitals (but get this, the specialists and best docs are in private). A full cycle of IVF cost about $14,000 – $16,000. On top of that, you get to claim at 3 times from our own medisave account $6k, $5k, $4k respectively. Thereafter you can only depend on government subs. 

In one of our best government hospitals, they do about 2000 cycles a year. We have 5million population which 1 million of them are migrants, foreigners. We have not included other sources like in the private hospital where I am at and other government hospitals. 

So, my government DOES recognize the fact that more and more people in Singapore are suffering from infertility but refuse to do more education on it. It keeps us reserved and shy about talking about it as well. It is almost a social stigma, making it a crime to talk about it. They feel they are better off making campaigns on making babies than educating people about infertility. But they dont know that it comes in a package. If people are unaware of fertility issues and wasted lots of time trying, the birth rate isnt going to improve either. 

Generally, I find alot of good sources from US, Canada and other countries. Articles, facts, stories and truth. I seriously hope that 1 day, we will improve on the awareness of infertility… to help the people stand out from the shadows of the disease.

FET Tentative Dates

So I am looking to have a transfer between 15~18 May, depending how my period goes. I will continue to do my transfer at CARE with my remaining 6 embryos.

Somehow, I kind of dislike Angela at CARE. She is the Director and Embryologist at the center and I could recall her calling me to report the status of my extracted eggs. She dont sound positive and made it voiced like all of the fertilized embryos are crap quality. She is always “errrm”, “you know”,  in a negative manner. “we have some grade 1s and grade 2s but they are so so. You know?” The rest are not looking good in appearance but we’ll just try to freeze it” I mean, wtf?  She is constantly judging my embryos and she really did a great job because I am getting nervous for this 2nd thaw. I thawed the grade 1 and 2s the last FET and it didnt stick.

I am left with some Grade 2s and lower grade 2s ~3 which my OB thinks its ok! I am just afraid on what she might comment when I go over to CARE to sign the thaw paperwork. I sooo dread to see her. I cant imagine with Grade1 and 2 standards and my perfect lining didnt help the 2 embryos to stick, what will happen to this batch? I am worried. But I am going to keep telling myself I must have faith. All embryos deserve a good equal chance, since they have made it this far to freeze, they must have some kind of determination right? After all, they are MY snowbabies. No one should ever judge them. Even if they dont make it in the end, I believe that they have really tried their best so far. I must have faith.

I went to my OB for routine check and on the right track. He put me on Auto -Pilot (meaning I can skip 1 visit  on Day 5 on my menses ) because I have been through a round of FET the last time and can heIp me save on 1 visit. I am finally finished with the Gynera today and have started Lucrin 2 days ago. I need to jab the Lucrin till I see my OB on… 14 May? Thats holy crap 25days of jabbing! I havent jabbed myself for a year now and I had to try a few times before getting the right spot into the tummy. OUCH* But like I’ve said, the jabs and pills dont bother me at all, it is the disappointment I get if it doesnt happen in the end.

But what can I say, I hope that I will be able to bring forward a piece of good news to my family, his family and friends.

Question: How many people really get how angry I am inside? I think none. The amount of anger that I have in me maybe enough to blow up the entire Singapore. The level also increases when your so called “best friend” posts on Facebook to announce show off their pregnancy. Nope, it really doesn’t help at all to my own journey. Yes, I do understand how delighted they are and eager they are to share the news to the whole world who happens to be majority fertiles. That’s why the menial 1% infertile doesn’t come to consideration. Actually, who would make considerations for the infertiles when they post about the happiness. Who cares about the infertiles as long as their family is completing or completed? Infertiles? Infer-WHO? Have they ever considered about other people’s feelings? Guess not. Who cares anyway.

I have no idea how many friends I’ve lost secretly. Secret because they probably don’t know they lost me but I have decided to lose them( maybe for the moment). They are not bad people really.  It is just as if we have different life directions altogether. I cant keep up with the baby talks if we meet up for the matter of fact :

1. I feel awful inside trying keep the conversation going about them and babies, kids while I am trying so hard to get pregnant. 
2. I cant keep up with the baby stuffs since I am not THERE yet. 
3. Even though my suggestions about how they can “try” to educate their kids on sounds so right and logical, it wouldnt get really very much accepted simply because – I HAVE NO KIDS OF MY OWN YET. Who am I to act like I am handling one. 

I try to control myself on point 3. Sometimes I just feel a change in the methods that they are using on their children can help a long way but then again, who am I to comment on their children. It also triggers me to think about my lost boy whom I miscarried sometimes. On how we would have been together if I had successfully given birth to him… how our life would have been so different, with our cats etc. How nice would it be.

Keeping Mum

So I have decided not to tell anybody except T and J my lovely bffs about my FET this time. I have decided to tell no one about it as I think I could not handle all the well wishes of, “well try again next time” ” well you have to keep trying!” “Well alot of people did it more than x times” “well dont be too sad about it” I just couldnt handle the fact that I might disappoint my family and inlaws again.. The anticipation, the built up emotion of waiting. My in laws are really super nice people.

I dont understand why do we have to let people down like that.

I wish I will be able to share with them a surprise at the end of May instead of pretending everything did not happened at all.I wish the cancelling of my Korea business trip is worth it.

Shit has to hit the fan

If it is not bad enough that I am an infertile, how about me striking UTI during my prep for my Embryo transfer?? Shit has to hit the fan and spin out of control.

I am in Day 13 for my Gynera. I still have 1 week to clear this UTI. Dunking 2Liters of water yesterday helped for my urine test today The color was lighter than what I tested for myself yesterday. My family doc gave me a dissolvable antibiotics that is safe for pregnancy ( as instructed by my IVF clinic nurse to obtain a pregnancy safe drug though I am not literally pregnant)

I hope this UTI clears soon before I know it.

Karma

Am into Day 9 of Gynera. Have to see my Doc on 21 April and get started on Lucrin jabs plus finalizing on transfer dates. I don’t really mind the jabs. It’s a bitch but I can make it. What I do mind is the disappointment I get after all the endures and efforts. But I try to manage myself better now. All I can say is, I feel that I am handling quite ok right now. I will have to keep myself in check.

Daily life still goes on and I am still fighting my own demons inside. Im afraid to pin baby stuffs on my pinterst. I am afraid to look at anything baby sized, baby toys while shopping fearing to remind myself of how a loser I am. I tend to think too much on things. Every little thing that comes to my mind or my eyes can relate to karma somehow. Being a Buddhist, karma is always on my mind – cause and effect. I often relook into my life and wonder how I got to this state of my life. I recall on how I was in my Secondary school days till when I was 28. On how daring I was to give away my 1st time to a cheat at only 16, on how I continue to meet another cheat in my life who crushed me by cheating on me with a 10 year older woman and how I didnt open my eyes wide enough to leave and treasure my life. I think I abused myself. I abused my body when I am barely 16. I abused my mind later on in my life emotionally. Is this why my reproductive organs are in a mess and angry with me? Is this my karma?

I also sterilized (cut off their balls) my cats when they were 7 months old. I did it because I believed and I was advocated to do so, that it will be good for their health as well as keeping them safe. But after my ectopic, I froze as I think back on this. I removed my cats’s ability to reproduce so did “he” also removed my ability to reproduce + removed one of my tubes as Karma? Who am I to judge for my cats safety? Who am I to determine that this is the best for them? Who am I to say they will definitely die if they were not sterilized and happened to run outside in public? I feel I did wrong. Is this why I am punished?

when I look at my godson, I am afraid to admit how cute he is and how far he has grown. The green monster in me refuses to admit that he is so perfect for bittergourd. I am jealous, that’s for sure probably with a tinge of hatred? bad feelings? I have came to a conclusion that it is just her. Bittergourd, the insensitive woman. How can someone be so insensitive towards an infertile? Like the other day, she suddenly turned to me in the meeting room and said ” They said this one is definitely a girl! Because there are too many hormones in me!” That made me really angry and pissed inside! the next thing you know, is that her life is so perfect that she will definitely get a girl after her boy and makes a perfect life! However, the following week she announced in our group chat that the Gynae confirmed that it is going to be a boy. I was happy – not because I am cursing her or anything but just that it made me happier. I felt like a witch.

If everything has a Karma taggged to it, where is their karma? Bittergourd and ZH? I mean dont get me wrong, I am not cursing them but I am just genuinely puzzled although I shouldnt be thinking in this way….

So, I wonder how much must I do to make up for the Karma that I have made. Maybe I can never make up for me. Can Buddha forgive me for my misdeeds?

Frozen Embryo Transfer 2

I went to see my OB yesterday to check on the possible schedules if I were to proceed with my FET this year. He decided to perform a scan to see how my internals are doing. Yikes, but thank god everything looks normal and ok. If I want to, I can transfer in May but I have to start the BCP (Gynera) like, erm, YESTERDAY? He gave me a day to consider, latest to pop the pill is by today. Otherwise, I will have to wait for July as he will not be around in June. I was again at my spilt ends.

I informed J but the decision lies on my Brother’s answer. You see, my brother takes care of my Geomancy in my house, my career and basically my life. If he decides May has better energy for my FET, I will go for May. If he says July, I will go in July. So May it is! I popped the pill today and all ready for prep to FET 2. I also explored the options of going to a Government hospital with my Doc and asking him for a referral IF this cycle fails.I dont want to curse myself but I dont want to be overly optimistic about things and suffer another tragic meltdown like the last time. I told my OB I am not Poor poor, but repeating an IVF cycle is very taxing on finances. He agrees and shares with me the hard truth of not being able to choose a preferred Doctor in a Government hospital. And the fact that the hospital does at least 2000 cycles, makes me wonder how is the Q system going to be like. Shrugs… Doc said they give generous subsidies like $6,300 for the Fresh cycle and $1,200 for Frozen plus the meds are heavily subsidized as well. It could possibly save us LOADS of money. I did some quick calculations on the costs and it turned out to be almost $20k  !!!!!!

When I returned home yesterday, I finally had the courage to open up my IVF file to recap the process. In the file lies all the details and reports of what I did during the IVF. It dated all the way back to my ectopic pregnancy report. Heartache took over me as I recall on my poor baby. There were even photos of my dissected baby and the ruptured tube. How can life be so cruel…  oh yes it can.

I pray very hard that we will succeed this time but as I told J, I am not a lucky draw person. Meaning, I dont usually get lucky to win at lucky draws so imagine my odds.

In a Mess

I am in a mess right now. I crashed and burned when my period came on Saturday. I felt angry, I felt like crying, I felt that I am again being abandoned by my own god, I felt angry that I cant see the reason why I cant have a baby of my own. I was so angry that I had divorce as an option running through my head. I had all the whys going through my mind.  Being childless is indeed taking a toll on our marriage, at least in my view. I kinda start the blaming game of maybe it’s the sperm that’s weak as well that cant break through the shell of the egg (that was the reason why we needed to do an ICSI on our fertilization last IVF)

I know I shouldn’t be blaming anybody. Not my husband, not Buddha and not even myself (ok maybe myself) Sometimes anger just gets so into you that you start becoming the blamer. Many timesI also start to question as to whether a pair up like us will work out in life. Maybe a combination of me and my husband = no kids. There were 1000 doubts going through that tiny brain of mine. I need to settle myself and organize my own brain. 

This journey is not just arduous, it is utterly depressing. There were days and there are many days where I feel miserably alone, just there all by myself. Your husband is there but just not there. I am unable to describe the loneliness in this journey and I guess only people like us will comprehend. 

When will I see the rainbow?

I wish people would stop asking

I just returned from a conference from Bali. It’s one of those patronizing conferences that I needed to attend to show my face. Most people are regulars while some are yearly acquaintances. You know how is it like at these events. Business talks often leads to having casual conversations. The top 2 questions that I always get attacked on are 1. “Are you married?” 2.”So do you have kids now?”

Ok, in the past I can glamorously handle question 1 and I’ve always believe if I stayed single still, I will still be able to confidently handle question 1. But since I am married now, question 1 will very MUCH often all the time lead to question 2.

Sometimes, all the time, I wish people would stop asking me about this question. Don’t they realize its not a garden of roses for some people to conceive? I am part of that infertile statistics. Don’t they realize how insensitive it is and how much I hate to answer this question because I do not possess the 10-year series perfect answer that they are all hoping for which is ” Ya I do! 1 (or 2) at home now with my mother/mother in law! ” But my answer will always be ” oh no,  I am far from it, you know, my hectic crazy travels makes it difficult”  Maybe one day I should just make them wish that they have never asked me this question by replying them this ” You know, I’d love to have 1 or 2 but I just lost my baby not long ago. I miscarried” I bet they would really wish they have never asked me this question earlier.

I often ask myself as well why do I keep the naked truth when people ask. Could it be because

1. They cant help you in anyway unless they have a similar story?
2.  I hate to hear the “oh my god, I am so sorry to hear that” Ya I bet you are.
3. I wouldnt want to put this pressure on them, they (maybe) dont deserve it

All of the above.

But maybe I will, one day I will tell the truth to whoever asks me about it…

Seeing all the new babies on Facebook doesn’t make things better for me especially when I’m trying to pick up myself in a positive way. I feel happy for them, I really do. As every tiny life is so precious to have. Again I’m thinking the impossible, when will I ever get a chance to post my own baby photo 😢

I could never imagine myself being pregnant, for the fact that it seems like a very far dream/reality. My imagination always stops at the part where I get a positive pee test and me still in my flat tummy. Period. Thats it. I am not sure why I couldn’t imagine myself further than that but I try to analyze why. Here’s what I think:

1. Fear of miscarriage
2. Fear of reality not happenning
3. Good things do not happen to me

I know I am being insanely negative but it cant be helped. Of course I would like to experience my life as a normal pregnant woman. Then I think of the What Ifs. What if

1. What if I get pregnant but suffer another ectopic?
2. What if my ectopic is elsewhere this time?
3. What if my HCG doesnt rise?
4. What if I have a stillborn?
5. What if I am mistaken? 

I know, I think a lot of what ifs but I couldn’t help myself despite all the experiences I have gone through. I probably could think more positive what ifs but at this moment, the darker side has me for now.

Wouldnt it be nice if the world was Cadbury? It would be all chocolatey and fun.

My Uncle

My Uncle really left. It was a 5 day funeral. It is a strange lost feeling that I have when he passed. I mean I never liked the way he talked to us in a condescending manner as if his own kids are any better. But I realized, at least all my cousins are married and with kids now. So… 

Albeit having said that, I also realized at the same moment that he was the Uncle that we see all the time during celebrations, Chinese New Year and joyous occasion. He was the Uncle whom was the closest Uncle to us and my aunts and mum. It is a strange feeling of him being distant but yet close to my heart. The day when I saw him well in the hospital to the day I saw him unconscious in the ICU made my heart falter. One moment he was all well and discharged and the other moment he went unconscious in his home and was out of pulse for more than 30 mins. How horrible can life get?
But the touching moment was that, all the cousins were there to see him and most cousins (except 2) were there to bid him goodbye when his sons decided to let him go by stopping the support meds to their brain dead father. There were 6 of us + my uncle’s 3 sons so that’s 9 cousins. My brother and younger cousin left earlier. I feel sucky though to let someone go like this.

Its good to be alive

I suddenly feel very hopeful about things and the outlook of life. As I see my Uncle lying on the bed of the A&E emergency with wires all over due to suspected cardiac arrest, I suddenly had the feeling of, it is good to be alive. 

He was out of pulse for almost 30mins but resuscitated at the hospital within 10mins. The damages to the brain are not accessible at this point. We will have a clearer picture within the next 48hours. I can see that he is fighting really hard to stay alive but his physique is not allowing him to do so apparently. He is not that old, 65 probably? He has been admitted twice already and discharged and now back in again except that he is now very critical… I pray to Buddha yesterday and today, hopefully to help prolong a little till my cousins come back from outstation or a miracle to wake up? 

But out of a sudden, I really feel that my infertility is such a tiny speck of problem. I really feel grateful to be alive and that I should always be hopeful in whatever I do. 

Death is scary, I mean, I can never get used to death. Who can?